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Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…

As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.

4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

7. Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

9. Forget your gun at home.

10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.

11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”

3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.

5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”

6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

8. Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”

* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri- Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four- legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

1. Anything that’s moving.

2. Green Carrots.

3. Moldy Croutons.

4. Body parts.

5. Blood in the French Dressing.

6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.

7. I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!

8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.

9. How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.

10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.

1. We know where you live.

2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

3. Everyone’s meal today is on you!

4. The “special sauce” came from the floor!

5. Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

8. Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.

9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe



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