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* Goes from 22 hours of happy- go- lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

* All he wants to do is watch “Catlock.”

* Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

* Last year: Went a- courtin’ carrying a “pencil full o’ lead.” This year: Goes a- courtin’ carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

* Bitches non- stop about the “bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.”

* Trades in his Whiskas for prune- flavored Whippasnappas.

* “You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the ’80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin’ claws off…”

* Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub- contracts the job.

* Writes “Put me to sleep” in its litter box with pee.

* When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.

* Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

* Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.

* Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

* Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.

* Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

* While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Great, I’ll be thin but braindead.)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (I’m one of them!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…? Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

Women would rule the world.

1. Has more chins than lives.

2. Enormous furry gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

4. It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

5. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

6. No longer cleans herself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

7. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

8. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

9. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

10. Cat door retrofitted with garage- door opener.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did i wake you?”
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You feel like the night before and didn’t even go out.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge
Dialing long distance tires you out.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
Everything hurts, and when it doesn’t, it doesn’t work.
Your little black book only contains names ending in MD.
You get winded playing chess.
You join a health club and don’t go.
You’re still chasing women, but can’t remember why.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t fulfill.
You know all the answers but no one asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You turn out the light for economic, not romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t make it go.
Your knees buckle but your belt doesn’t.
You’re 17 around the neck, 43 around the waist and 100 around the golf course.
After painting the town red you have to take a nap before a 2nd coat.
A lot of room in the house, but none in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You finally know your way around and don’t feel like going.
Everything is farther away than it used to be and it’s twice as far to the corner than it used to be and they’ve added a hill.
You give up running for the bus because it leaves much faster than it used to.
Stairs are much steeper than they used to be and they’re using smaller print in the papers.
New clothes are getting smaller in the hips and waist.
Everyone speaks so low you can’t hear them.
People are much younger than they were when you were their age, but people your age are older than your are.
You meet an old friend who has aged so much she doesn’t recognize you.



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