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1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who tells her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week’s “Autoweek” magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. – Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

2. – Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

3. – Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

4. – Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

5. – Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. – Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

7. – STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

8. – Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

9. – Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

10. – Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

11. – Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

1. “I got your community service right here pal!”

2. “Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on.”

3. “You couldn’t carry Wapner’s gavel you moron!”

4. “You’re not as easy to buy as others said you were.”

5. “No you robe wearing geek.”

6. “I don’t suppose there’s a “You get me off, I get you off” type of deal out there?”

7. “Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?”

1. Inspector Gadget

2. Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons

3. Captain America On Line

4. The Wonder Barbi Twins

5. The Silver Surfer

6. The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn)

7. Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a “Nets”cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!

8. DBase Ventura

9. Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!)

10. Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???



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