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You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You think the Internet is a new fishing tool.
You think the internet is something you use fishing.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: “Gentlemen start your engines.”
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines” or “Play Ball… ”
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball… ”
You think the most popular pick-up line is “Nice tooth!”
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You think the phrase “chicken out” means one of your pets has escaped.
You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
You think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
You think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart.
You think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.
You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs, hens, or chickens!
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
You think the unibomber was a wrestler.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the “Big Hair” competition.
You think the WWF is a romantic sport.
You think there’s nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area are not too bright.
You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
You think toilet water is exactly that.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You think W.W.J.D stands for, “What would Junior do?”
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You think your sister is sexier than your wife.
You think, “recycle” means to ride your bike again.
You thought ER was ET’s cousin.
You thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas.
You thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod.

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!

You’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
You’ve ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
You’ve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.
You’ve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
You’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.
You’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.
You’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
You’ve ever thrown up in a squad car.
You’ve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, “I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.”
You’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.
You’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You’ve ever used a toaster to light your cigarette.
You’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You’ve ever used a weed eater indoors.
You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.
You’ve ever used jumper cables to start your computer.
You’ve ever used lard in bed.
You’ve ever used scissors on food.
You’ve ever used your fishing license as a form of identification
You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You’ve ever used your only phone call in jail to check the status of Nascar race.
You’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.
You’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
You’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.
You’ve ever worn a tie with a flannel shirt.
You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You’ve ever worn hunter’s orange to church.
You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
You’ve ever yelled “Rock the house Bubba!” during a piano recital.
You’ve ever yelled out the window “KIDS!! STOP PLAYIN’ ON THAT SHEET METAL!’
You’ve given your gun a woman’s name.
You’ve got a tab at the ABC Liquor Store.
You’ve got more guns “On Display” than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
You’ve got more than one brother named “Darryl.
You’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
You’ve got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You’ve had a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You’ve hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets…dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if this is where we get the saying “Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a “thresh hold.”

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn’t get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man “could really bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes… for 400 years.

Most people didn’t have pewter plates, but had trenchers – a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get “trench mouth.”

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the “graveyard shift” they would know that someone was “saved by the bell” or was a “dead ringer.”

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”

12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can’t I take yours?”

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.

17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

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