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* Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.

* Cats don’t like being baptized.

* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

* A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.

* A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.

* A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.

* Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.

* Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

* Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.

* Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.

* Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.

* It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.

* Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of grocieries.

* You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.

1. “This is my tryout for Nascar.”

2. “I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.”

3. “That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!”

4. “I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.”

5. “Cause those Gorditas rule.”

6. “Uh-Oh..Wapner’s on…I’m an excellent driver.”

7. “Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go.”

8. “Umm..I’m drunk?”

9. “Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette “Uninvited” song!”

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.

There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.

1. Non stick Cellotape

2. Solar Powered Flash Light

3. A black highlighter pen

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses

5. Inflatable Anchor

6. Smooth Sandpaper

7. Waterproof sponge

8. Waterproof Teabags

9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

10. Fireproof Matches

11. Fireproof Cigarettes

12. Battery powered Battery Charger

13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes

14. Hand powered Chainsaw

15. Inflatable Dartboard

16. Silent Alarm Clock

17. A Pedal powered wheelchair

18. Braille Drivers Manual

19. Double sided playing cards

20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who tells her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

© 2015