Joke's Database
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1. “That URL was not found because frankly, I didn’ try hard enough.”

2. “If you continue to type that way, you’ll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

3. “The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed.”

4. “Normally, I would complain but I’ll let that rough disk insertion slide this time.”

5. “Don’t worry, I’ll clean up that beer stain.”

6. “Its not a virus…its a STD(System Transmitted Disease).”

7. “Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click.”

8. “That General Protection Fault is not yours.”

9. “You’re using MS Word 5.0 and that’s a weenie version so why don’t I upgrade you for free?”

10. “I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video… may I suggest another?”

1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.

2. Teeth removing Taffy

3. Metamucil in a straw

4. Ex-Lax Brownies

5. Caramel Covered Zucchini

6. Colored Crisco on a Stick

7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts

8. Chocolate Covered Prunes

9. A Handful of Red Man

10. Anything that ticks!

Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

Women would rule the world.

Your toilet is a 5-gallon bucket.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
Your toilet seat says “Sit Here”.
Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
Your trasportaion is your boat.
Your trolling motor used to be a fan in a barber shop.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, “Gun control is a steady hand.”
Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
Your truck has a variety or different make of parts (ex. Chevy radiator, Dodge starter, Ford body).
Your truck has any bondo on it.
Your truck has more colors than Jeff Gordons race car!
Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
Your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen.
Your truck stalled on the expressway and you never went back for it.
Your truck won’t fit through the drive threw at McDonalds.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
Your Uncle made your car tag.
Your uncle’s 14-year-old kid is out in the front lawn and sayin “Ai Pane Ai Pane.”
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job – primer red and primer gray.
Your wardrobe consists of nothing but cammo and flannel.
Your washingline consists of 6 pair of trousers, 2 squirrels and a half-eaten possum…
Your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.
Your way of seeing you need to bathe is by sticking your hand between your butt cheeks and smelling it.
Your wedding cake was made by Sara Lee.
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
Your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your whole family is Democrats’cept little Mary. She lernt how to read.
Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.
Your whole wardrobe is work boots, camoflage pants, a plaid flannel shirt, and a John Deere hat.
Your whole yard has chickens and cows in it.

1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well – stay fit – die anyway.

16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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