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1. Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.

2. Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

4. Its named Matlock Manor.

5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

7. You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.

8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.

9. Two words: Community Bedpan.

1. You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

2. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.

3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!

Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Great, I’ll be thin but braindead.)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (I’m one of them!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…? Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

1. Chicken McBobbitts

2. Salmon McNella

3. Tom & Roseanne “Together Forever” Value Meal

4. Shirley McLean Burger

5. McMenudo

6. Filet o’ Gefilte Fish

7. Way Too Happy Meal

8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal

9. Them Ain’t Nuggets!

10. McKitty Sandwich

11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger

12. Rocky Mountain McOysters

13. McSpleen

14. The Depressed Meal

15. Filet O’ Flesh

16. McShrooms

17. Bob Barker’s Happy Pants Meal

18. McTonya Club Sandwich

19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

* If I like it, it’s mine.

* If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

* If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

* If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

* If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

* If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

* If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

* If I saw it first, it’s mine.

* If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

* If it’s broken, it’s yours.

© 2015