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A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
A Wookie told you to shave.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
If you ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
If you hear… “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle… ”
In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow “just ain’t right.”
Parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
People mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
That “disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans.
The cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber.
The Force isn’t the only thing that runs in your family.
The inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light… and they didn’t have it.
The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba’s Gamorean guards.
The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is “them dadgum skeeters.”
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
There is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
When storm kills power yer lightsaber illuminates your house until you gouge Bubba’s eye out.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You actually enjoyed seeing the Princess Naboo get kicked off her throne and let a man rule the world. (from Josh083170)
You beat the Gammorean Guard in an “ugly” contest.
You bought hanging air fresheners for your friend’s X-Wing at Christmas time.
You brand cattle with a lightsaber. (from Tweetheart86chic)
You call Hank Williams Jr. “master”.
You call the Emporer “That old ugly dude in the house coat.”
You call Yoda your Li’l green buddy.
You call your young apprentice, “Juner.(JR.)”
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
You can’t describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
You constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
You count B.O. as a Jedi power.
You describe the taste of an Ewok as “jus’ like chicken.”
You didn’t read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
You ever uttered the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
You fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
You got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You have a gun cabinet just for lightsabers.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire “them damn Yankees.”
You have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin’ at your sister.
You have ever gone deer huntin’ with a lightsaber.
You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had your R2 unit use its arc-welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You have ever said, “Anger… Fear… Aggression… Yankees… the dark side are they.”
You have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
You have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
You have ever used a lightsabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
You have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with bowling or a spitting contest.
You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
You have fish innards all over your lightsabor.
You have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have the words “Foxy Lady” or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder.
You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
You inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber.
You jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
You meditate to old CCR records.
You own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
You put your lightsaber down your pants and brag about your big dick.
You say “these are not the beers you are looking for.”
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
You think the Death Star is in the outhouse.
You trim your beard and find a Mylock.
You use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
You use Jawas for a drink holders.
You use the “O” on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
You use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
You use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
You use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.
You use your lightsabor as a flare and you hear Ma say from the back porch, “Billy Bob, you get your ass in here rite now you’re gunna put Bubba’s other eye out!”
You use your lightsabor to open the door on your chevy pickup.
You were buried with your lightsabor.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
You’re flying a ship that has no original parts.
You’ve asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
You’ve ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
You’ve ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
You’ve ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber.
You’ve ever tested your lightsaber on your little brother “tell me if this hurts”.
You’ve ever used a lightsaber to save yourself from a hellashus impact.
You’ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger’s Canyon on your mantle.
You’ve moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
You’ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
Your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett’s tail pipe.
Your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
Your father finally agrees to take you deer hunting and he hands you a lightsaber and says, “May the force be with you.”
Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.”
Your father’s name is Garth Vader.
Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
Your landspeeder has a gun rack.
Your lightsaber came with a “money back guarantee”.
Your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
Your lightsaber is equiped with a “kick start”.
Your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you’ve ever had.
Your master ever said “My finger you will pull..hmmm?”
Your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half-gallon of granny’s moonshine.
Your priest carries a lightsaber in his boot for emergencies.
Your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
Your X-Wing has a still in it.
You’ve had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

1. You don’t recall that line from It’s A Wonderful Life saying, “Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!”

2. Your kid makes a fortune trading in “Elmo futures.”

3. Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary “4th wise man” in new nativity scenes.

4. The impossible-to-get “Tickle Me Jesus”

5. Santa’s Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year’s Indy 500.

6. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.

7. WWF presents “Oh, Holy Night” Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

8. Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.

9. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.

10. Santa’s North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.

11. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, “On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy.”

12. $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas

13. Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness’s pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter’s.

14. The Baby GAP’s line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)

15. Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase “Ho, Ho, Ho” — an injunction limits Santa to “a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables.”

16. Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman’s hair.

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who tells her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week’s “Autoweek” magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. – Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

2. – Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

3. – Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

4. – Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

5. – Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

6. – Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

7. – STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

8. – Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

9. – Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

10. – Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

11. – Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!



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