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Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
Your wife can belch louder than you can.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it.
Your wife can’t fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
Your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.
Your wife has ever asked you to come move the transmission so that she can take a bath.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
Your wife has more children than teeth.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs.
Your wife is sister and your daughter
Your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
Your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.
Your wife shaves her beard more than you shave yours.
Your wife uses a photo of Tammy Faye as a makeup application guide.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of you’re flannel shirts over it.
Your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
Your wife’s best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
Your wife’s bridal reception was at Wal-Mart.
Your wife’s deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours.
Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your wife’s idea of a sanitary napkin is one of your dirty work socks left beside the toilet.
Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
Your wreath is made out of beer cans.
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.

* Bicycles
– Two- wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

* Bump
– The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

* Deafness
– This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

* Dog Bed
– Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

* Drool
– Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

* Garbage Can
– A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

* Lean
– Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black- tie events.

* Leash
– A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

* Love
– Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.

* Sofas
– Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

* Thunder
– This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

* Wastebasket
– This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

2. You were born somewhere else.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

5. Your car has bulletproof windows.

6. Left is right and right is wrong.

7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

8. Your mouse has only one ball.

9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

11. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

13. Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.

14. Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.

15. You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

17. More than clothes come out of the closets.

18. When ‘the Dead’ are best live.

19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

22. Smoking in your office is not optional.

23. When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.

24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

26. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

29. When all highways into the state say: ‘no fruits’.

30. All highways out of the state say: ‘Go back’.

31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.

There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.

My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer – he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences.

1 The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
2 Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner
3 Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte of this and a little byte of that.”
4 Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
5 The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
6 The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday
7 The KPC start button is labelled, “Let’s go already, I’m not getting any younger.”
8 When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, “Please remove cable from the tuchus.”
9 KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, “You vant I should fix this?”
10 When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
11 After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen.
12 KPC email always opens with “You don’t write and you never call.”
13 The KPC options button is labelled, “But on the other hand.”
14 When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, “Listen, you never know – you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?”
15 The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.
16 Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.

© 2015