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1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… Is he still wrong?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide… is it considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

15. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

16. Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

1. “Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

2. “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

3. “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

4. “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

5. “Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?”

6. “As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

7. “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

8. “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

9. “Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!”

10. “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

11. “Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

12. “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

13. “Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

14. “When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

15. “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

16. “We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

17. “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

18. “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

19. “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

20. “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”

21. “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

* Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
1. Welcome home, I missed you.
2. The phone rang twice while you were out.
3. Feed me, *NOW*.
4. So, I see you didn’t bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

* Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
1. Please don’t leave me here all alone.
2. Have a nice day.
3. But what if I get hungry while you out?
4. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

* Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
1. A sign of affection.
2. A demand to be fed now.
3. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
4. An attempt to ‘fix’ you like you ‘fixed’ him.

* Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
1. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
2. Wanna go out and play?
3. Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
4. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

* When your cat stares at you, it means:
1. It is bored silly.
2. It’s trying to understand how it’s food grows in cans.
3. You are being sized-up for an attack.
4. Human mating habits are disgusting.

* Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
1. A primal instinct is being displayed.
2. You’re not feeding me enough.
3. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
4. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
5. All of the above.

* Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
1. Let it out immediately.
2. Try to switch it’s interests to other things.
3. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
4. If the other cat’s owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

* Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
1. It is showing you great affection.
2. It knows you are allergic to cats.
3. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
4. You should have let it out tonight.

Cat Quiz for Cats

* Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
1. It’s hungry.
2. It’s lost.
3. You’re hungry.
4. Let the begging begin.

* Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
1. Supper.
2. Something s/he obviously wouldn’t eat.
3. Something to keep you going till supper’s ready.
4. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

* Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
1. You’re in trouble – better not do it again.
2. Nothing – humans do this from time to time.
3. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
4. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

* Staircases are for:
1. Getting up to the human’s bed at 4am.
2. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
3. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
4. All of the above.

* Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
1. Listen intently, even if you don’t understand.
2. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
3. Ignore him/her completely; you’re a cat, they mean nothing.
4. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

* Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
1. Important to humans and should be left alone.
2. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
3. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

* Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
1. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
2. Played with until they stop playing.
3. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
4. Hidden under your human’s pillow for safe keeping.
5. Consumed for their nutritional value.

* A human giving you a bath should be considered:
1. Under no circumstances.
2. Under no circumstances.
3. Under no circumstances.
4. An act of war.
5. All of the above.

* Your human’s value is limited to:
1. Providing food.
2. Providing water.
3. Letting you out.
4. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
5. Leaving you alone.
6. All of the above; if properly trained.

10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they’re not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, “Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!”

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
The fairground’s main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest!
The family business needs a lookout.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife… and wave to her.
The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year”.
The figures on your wedding cake wore overalls.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed your bathroom never did reach the house.
The first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”
The first thing you do in the morning is checking your critter trap, and you’re disappointed when it is empty.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin?”
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
The front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The highlight of your family reunion was your sister’s nude dancing debut
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
The landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
The library in your city ran out of the book “The ABC’s of Belching”.
The main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?”
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper.

© 2015