Joke's Database
Have fun searching 100181 jokes and pictures!

* You never have to use the space – bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch – high letters.

High – tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text – bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot – matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high – tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality – defying three – dimensional, active animation, photo – realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real – time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001”).

1. Geez, what died in here?

2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

3. Nice service…where’s the keg?

4. When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

5. Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.

6. Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

* Cats rule. Dogs drool.

* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.

* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.

* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake- up licks.

* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.

* Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.

* Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.

* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.

* No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”

* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.

* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.

* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.

* Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”

* Garfield. Odie.

* Enough said.

You bring your dog to work with you.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend.
You bum a smoke from your third grade kid.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You burn your lawn instead of mowing it.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You buy something you already have.
You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars, trucks building materials).
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
You buy your china as a grocery store special every week.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You buy your wife camouflage lingerie.
You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
You call a chicken a yard bird.
You call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph.
You call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket.
You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
You call your boss “dude”.
You call your wife “ma” and want her to call you “pa.”
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
You can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’nuff a redneck.
You can burp the entire chorus of “Jingle Bells”.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You can chew your own toenails.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word “chicken”.
You can eat an ear of corn and spell “Home Sweet Home” on it.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.
You can French kiss with a toothpick in your mouth.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes.
You can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.
You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.
You can recite your vowels in one burp.
You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
You can see all your family members when you’re in your own bed.
You can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend’s forehead, and it works.
You can spit tobacco juice through the holes in your truck’s floorboard.

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…

© 2015