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1. 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

2. 7 Have been arrested for fraud.

3. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

4. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

5. 3 Have been arrested for assault.

6. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card.

7. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

9. 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

10. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

You get email flames from some guy named Fluffy.”

Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

Your web browser has a new home page at CalicoScootz.com:

Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna.

Hate- mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”

Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

On ICQ, you’re known as the IronMouser.

Little kitty carpal- tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.

There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.

1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

3. How cute… a tax form done in crayon.

4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver’s license every 4 years, not the other way around.

5. Just because you talk to your plants ma’am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office “contributions” are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you’ve had cannot count as a business expense.

8. I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow your “Give me an extension and I’ll give you an extension later at my place” argument.

9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you’re not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we’ll screw you later!!

15 Angelfish Cake
14 Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13 Chow Chow Mein
12 Bran Muffy
11 Eggs BenjiDict
10 Yorkieshire pudding
9 Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8 Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7 Shrimp Cockatiel
6 Fettucine AlFido
5 Chicken Poodle Soup
4 Turtlellini
3 Lhasa Thermidor
2 Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
1 I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes



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