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Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in – laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

* Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

* Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

* Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.

* Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

* Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

* Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

* Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

* Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

* Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)

* Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

* Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been nuetered)

* Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

* Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

* Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

* Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.

* Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

* Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law’s leg.

Favourite London signs

“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)

“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)

“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)

“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)

“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)

“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)

“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)

“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)

“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)

“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)

“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)

“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)

“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)

“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)

“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)

1. Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.

2. Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

4. Its named Matlock Manor.

5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

7. You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.

8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.

9. Two words: Community Bedpan.

1. You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

2. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.

3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!



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