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  • A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
  • A Wookie told you to shave.
  • Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
  • At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.
  • At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
  • If you ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
  • If you hear… “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle… ”
  • In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow “just ain’t right.”
  • Parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
  • People mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
  • That “disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans.
  • The cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber.
  • The Force isn’t the only thing that runs in your family.
  • The inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
  • The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
  • The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light… and they didn’t have it.
  • The smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba’s Gamorean guards.
  • The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is “them dadgum skeeters.”
  • There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
  • There is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
  • When storm kills power yer lightsaber illuminates your house until you gouge Bubba’s eye out.
  • Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
  • You actually enjoyed seeing the Princess Naboo get kicked off her throne and let a man rule the world. (from Josh083170)
  • You beat the Gammorean Guard in an “ugly” contest.
  • You bought hanging air fresheners for your friend’s X-Wing at Christmas time.
  • You brand cattle with a lightsaber. (from Tweetheart86chic)
  • You call Hank Williams Jr. “master”.
  • You call the Emporer “That old ugly dude in the house coat.”
  • You call Yoda your Li’l green buddy.
  • You call your young apprentice, “Juner.(JR.)”
  • You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
  • You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
  • You can’t describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
  • You constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
  • You count B.O. as a Jedi power.
  • You describe the taste of an Ewok as “jus’ like chicken.”
  • You didn’t read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
  • You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
  • You ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
  • You ever uttered the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
  • You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  • You fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
  • You got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
  • You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
  • You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
  • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
  • You have a gun cabinet just for lightsabers.
  • You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
  • You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire “them damn Yankees.”
  • You have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin’ at your sister.
  • You have ever gone deer huntin’ with a lightsaber.
  • You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
  • You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
  • You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
  • You have ever had your R2 unit use its arc-welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
  • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
  • You have ever said, “Anger… Fear… Aggression… Yankees… the dark side are they.”
  • You have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
  • You have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
  • You have ever used a lightsabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
  • You have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
  • You have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
  • You have ever used the force in conjunction with bowling or a spitting contest.
  • You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
  • You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
  • You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
  • You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
  • You have fish innards all over your lightsabor.
  • You have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
  • You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
  • You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
  • You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
  • You have the words “Foxy Lady” or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder.
  • You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
  • You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
  • You inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber.
  • You jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
  • You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
  • You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
  • You meditate to old CCR records.
  • You own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
  • You put your lightsaber down your pants and brag about your big dick.
  • You say “these are not the beers you are looking for.”
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
  • You think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
  • You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
  • You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
  • You think the Death Star is in the outhouse.
  • You trim your beard and find a Mylock.
  • You use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
  • You use Jawas for a drink holders.
  • You use the “O” on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
  • You use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
  • You use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
  • You use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.
  • You use your lightsabor as a flare and you hear Ma say from the back porch, “Billy Bob, you get your ass in here rite now you’re gunna put Bubba’s other eye out!”
  • You use your lightsabor to open the door on your chevy pickup.
  • You were buried with your lightsabor.
  • You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
  • You wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
  • You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
  • You wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
  • You’re flying a ship that has no original parts.
  • You’ve asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
  • You’ve ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
  • You’ve ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
  • You’ve ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber.
  • You’ve ever tested your lightsaber on your little brother “tell me if this hurts”.
  • You’ve ever used a lightsaber to save yourself from a hellashus impact.
  • You’ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger’s Canyon on your mantle.
  • You’ve moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
  • You’ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
  • Your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
  • Your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett’s tail pipe.
  • Your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
  • Your father finally agrees to take you deer hunting and he hands you a lightsaber and says, “May the force be with you.”
  • Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot.”
  • Your father’s name is Garth Vader.
  • Your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
  • Your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
  • Your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
  • Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
  • Your landspeeder has a gun rack.
  • Your lightsaber came with a “money back guarantee”.
  • Your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
  • Your lightsaber is equiped with a “kick start”.
  • Your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you’ve ever had.
  • Your master ever said “My finger you will pull..hmmm?”
  • Your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half-gallon of granny’s moonshine.
  • Your priest carries a lightsaber in his boot for emergencies.
  • Your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
  • Your X-Wing has a still in it.
  • You’ve had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built- in buzzer.
2. A four footed allergen.
3. A small, four- legged, fur- bearing extortionist.
4. A small, furry lap fungus.
5. A treat- seeking missile.
6. A wildlife control expert.
7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. A hair relocation expert.
9. An unprogrammable animal.

Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat’s life.

Catatonic: A feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.

Dog: A cat’s device for running practice.

Door: Something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

Energy: The element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

Human: An automatic door opener for cats.

Impurrsonate: To act like the cat.

Kitten: A small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near- mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

Purrade: An organized march of cats.

Purradise: The garden of Cats.

Purramour: A cat lover.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Purraphernalia: A cat’s personal belongings.

Purrch: Any favored feline napping spot.

Purrchase: Anything bought for a cat.

Purrfume: The scent of an open can of tuna.

Purrgatory: A houseful of kittens.

Purrmission: A feline hunting expedition.

Purrpetual: Everlasting feline love.

Purrplex: A house with two or more cats.

Purrson: A male kitten.

Purrsuit: The garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.

Tooraloorailurophobia: An irrational fear of Irish cats.

Tuner: Sonar- like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

Yawn: A cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.

You might be a true pet lover if…

…All your magazine subscriptions have animals on the cover.

…Your dishwasher always has at least one pet dish in it.

…Your vet gives you Christmas presents.

…The manager of your local Pet Supermarket knows you by your first name.

…You try to wear clothing that will blend with your pet’s hair.

…You never sleep alone.

…You make more trips to the groomer than to the barber/beautician.

…You are more interested in the ingredients of your pet’s food than your own dinner.

…You sign your correspondence with your pet’s name.

…You get a babysitter for your kids but take your pet with you.

…You sit down and know something is missing if either your lap is empty or your feet get cold.

…You’ve ever felt sorry for people who don’t have a special critter friend.

…You insist on correcting people who mis- pronounce your pet’s name.

…You don’t freak at the sight of pig ears or cow hoofs lying around your home.

…Your pet dresses better than you do.

…Your pet has more beauty supplies than you do.

…You always check your chairs, sofa, etc… for pet toys before you sit down.

…In your living room is furniture just for your pet.

…You look forward to the slobbery kisses from your dog when you come home from work.

…You have a special site dedicated to your pet with tons of pictures.

…You hesitate to call home and leave a message on your own answering machine for fear your pet will hear your voice and become distraught that you are not home.

…You find yourself pulling pictures of your pets out of your wallet when others are showing pictures of their kids.

…You watch only “animal kingdom” programs on cable television.

…Frosty Paws (frozen dog dairy treat) has replaced low- fat ice- cream in your freezer.

…You play holiday cassette music featuring only “singing dogs” with Jingles Bells topping your favorite tune.

…You think the term “going to the dogs” is a compliment.

…You decorate holiday stockings with the names of your pets and then wrap the contents so they’ll be surprised on Christmas day.

…You match your throw rug colors when you pick them out, to match the color of the biggest dog in your family home.

…If you buy more pet food than people food.

…When you get home, you greet your dog first … then your spouse.

…You have a king size bed and the dogs give you 12″ and your husband takes the rest.

…The back seat of you car contains dog toys and the windows are full of nose prints.

…You pick out your new linoleum for the kitchen based on how well it will hold up to dogs toenails skidding after their toys.

…You would rather make homemade biscuits for your baby (puppy) than to give him those store bought ones.

…When they say it’s time to turn off the lights… you finish watching TV in the dark.

…Your animal has more toys than your children.

…You decorate your home more for “cat friendly” rather than stylish.

…You have no problem with the kitties sleeping in the clean laundry.

…The colors black or white are completely eliminated from your wardrobe.

…You carry tape in your purse and car for de- hairing clothes before meeting with “other” people.

…When visiting friends, you focus more attention on their pet than them.

…Houseguests are welcome to bring their pets but not their kids.

…You can’t fall asleep without purring.

…The house is messy if it’s your stuff strewn all over but it’s OK if it’s all pet toys.

…The pet takes your favorite seat so you sit elsewhere and strain to see the TV.

…Your pet has better health insurance than you.

…You buy a car/truck to meet the needs of your pet.

…You have a birthday party for your pet.

…Your pet gets more birthday cards then you do.

…You won’t date someone your pet dislikes.

…You demand custody of the pet in the divorce settlement.

…When you find yourself buying and reading more animal books than cookbooks!

…You don’t think it is strange to brush your pet’s teeth regularly.

…When you spend more on cat litter than you do on toilet paper.

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)

9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Men are like department stores… their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations… they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

Men are like chocolate bars… sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee… the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes… they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

© 2015