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You’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
You’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You’ve ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.
You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time time call… ”
You’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.
You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… deliberately.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose!
You’ve ever hitchhiked naked,
You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
You’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”
You’ve ever invited friends over to show off what’s left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.
You’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
You’ve ever made love on a tire swing.
You’ve ever named a child for a good dog.
You’ve ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
You’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
You’ve ever parked a Camero in a tree.
You’ve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she’d take the hint.
You’ve ever participated in a burp-off.
You’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
You’ve ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.
You’ve ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.
You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
You’ve ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it
You’ve ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool.
You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You’ve ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money.
You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
You’ve ever shoplifted Spam.
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You’ve ever shot a mouse inside your home.
You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
You’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
You’ve ever sold your car for gas money.
You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
You’ve ever stabbed someone’s hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You’ve ever stolen a bulldozer.

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work…

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

1) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

6) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

8) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic. They’ll open up again.”

9) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

10) Tell people that you can see their aura.

11) Call out, “GROUP HUG!” and enforce it.

12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up. All of you. JUST SHUT UP!!!”

13) Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and say: “You guys got enough air in there?”

14) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without getting off.

15) Stare at another passenger for a while, then ask in horror, “You’re one of THEM, aren’t you?” and back away slowly.

16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.

17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, and then push the wrong ones.

20) Smile at another passenger for a while, then announce “It’s so rare that I meet anyone special on the elevator anymore.”

21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space!!”

22) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap him or her on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.

23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on. Indicate to the other passengers that they shouldn’t give the answer away.

25) Hold the doors open, and say that you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg, how’s your day been?”

26) Drop a pen, and when someone reaches to help pick it up, scream “Hey, that’s MY pen!”

* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

* Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

* Dogs look at your eyes.

* Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.

* Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

* Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.

* Dogs understand what “no” means.

* Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.

* Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.

* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.

* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

* Dogs are nice to your relatives.

* Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.

* Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.

* Dogs admit it when they’re lost.

* Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.

* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

* Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.

* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

* You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.

* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

* You can train a dog.

* You can force a dog to take a bath.

* Middle- aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

* Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.

* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)



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