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* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

* In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

* The Salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.

* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

* You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.

* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

* You know what http:// stands for.

* You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.

* You see a good design and still have to change it.

* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

* You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.

* You window shop at Radio Shack.

* You’re both in the backseat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

* Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

* Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

* You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

* You’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going anywhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in – laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

© 2015