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As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.

4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

7. Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

9. Forget your gun at home.

10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.

11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”

3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.

5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”

6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

8. Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”

1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well – stay fit – die anyway.

16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.



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