* I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

* I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

* The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

* I will not throw up in the car.

* I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers- on.

* I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

* I will not eat other animals’ poop.

* I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

* I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.

* “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

* I will not eat any more socks and then re- deposit them in the backyard after processing.

* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

* I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

* I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

* I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

* I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

* I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

* The sofa is not a face towel.

* Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

* I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

* I will not play tug- o’- war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.

9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.

7. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.

6. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”

3. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Your family’s No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
Your father marries someone with the same last name as yours.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
Your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.”
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
Your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin’ contest.
Your favorite fishing hole has more car parts in it than a junk yard.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your favorite fruit is chicken.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
Your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day.
Your favorite place is your deerstand.
Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
Your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
Your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale
Your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it.
Your favorite song is “Old McDonald”
Your favorite stick is your fishing pole.
Your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.
Your first bra was a Wonderbra.
Your first name consists of initials.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
Your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.
Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.
Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
Your front yard has any broken appliances in it.
Your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.
Your garage is so full you can’t park your car in it.
Your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.
Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Are you all tied up & can’t get through to anyone on the phone?
Here are actual answering machine greetings recorded and verified by the world- famous International Institute of Answering Machines.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You think the Internet is a new fishing tool.
You think the internet is something you use fishing.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: “Gentlemen start your engines.”
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines” or “Play Ball… ”
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball… ”
You think the most popular pick-up line is “Nice tooth!”
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You think the phrase “chicken out” means one of your pets has escaped.
You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
You think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
You think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart.
You think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone.
You think the space program is fake and pro wrestling is real.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs, hens, or chickens!
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
You think the unibomber was a wrestler.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You think the winter Olympic sport of curling is part of the “Big Hair” competition.
You think the WWF is a romantic sport.
You think there’s nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say “Slow children at play” means the kids in the area are not too bright.
You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
You think toilet water is exactly that.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You think W.W.J.D stands for, “What would Junior do?”
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You think your sister is sexier than your wife.
You think, “recycle” means to ride your bike again.
You thought ER was ET’s cousin.
You thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas.
You thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod.