1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot.
2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
15. Eat well – stay fit – die anyway.
16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
24. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
1. You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
2. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.
3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.
7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!
1. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4. Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
5. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10. Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
11. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
12. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
13. Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
14. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
15. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
16. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
17. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
18. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
19. Too Hard To Type With Paws.
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?
5. Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey! No kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss!
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
2. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
21. People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
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