The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
The fairground’s main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest!
The family business needs a lookout.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife… and wave to her.
The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year”.
The figures on your wedding cake wore overalls.
The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed your bathroom never did reach the house.
The first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”
The first thing you do in the morning is checking your critter trap, and you’re disappointed when it is empty.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin?”
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
The front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The highlight of your family reunion was your sister’s nude dancing debut
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
The landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
The library in your city ran out of the book “The ABC’s of Belching”.
The main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can’t find it.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?”
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
The newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper.

* If I like it, it’s mine.

* If I saw it first, it’s mine.

* If it’s in my paw, it’s mine.

* If it looks like mine, it’s mine.

* If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

* If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.

* If there’s more than one, ALL of them are mine.

* If you have something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

* If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.

* If it’s boring or doesn’t taste good, IT’S YOURS!

1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.

2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.

3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.

4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.

5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.

6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.

7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.

8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).

1. A freezer for Eskimos.
2. AC adapter for solar calculators.
3. Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket.
4. Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
5. Avalanche prevention goggles.
6. Battery powered battery charger.
7. Battery-operated nuclear power plants.
8. Blinker Fluid.
9. Brake oil.
10. Breathable space suit.
11. Brown undershorts.
12. Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150.
13. Caffeine-free Diet Coke.
14. Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
15. Car steering triangles – doubles as anti-theft device.
16. Cast iron wire.
17. Cat flap for the fridge.
18. Checkered paint.
19. Combs for bald-heads.
20. Cordless plumb line.
21. Dehydrated water.
22. Diet celery.
23. Digital clock-winder.
24. Digital computer.
25. Double-sided playing cards.
26. Downhill stairmaster.
27. Ejector seats for helicopters.
28. Electric banana straightener.
29. Electric dog polisher.
30. Extra-large bicycle clips, for use when cycling in shorts.
31. Fat-free Twinkies.
32. Felt Jumper cables.
33. Fine glass-crystal castanets.
34. Fireproof cigarettes.
35. Fireproof kindling.
36. Fireproof matches.
37. Flame-retardant gasoline.
38. Flashbulb tester.
39. Flavored suppositories.
40. Foam rubber toothpicks.
41. Freeze Dried Water.
42. Frictionless Sandpaper.
43. Fur sink.
44. Hand-powered chainsaw.
45. Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates.
46. Inflatable anchor.
47. Inflatable dart board.
48. Inflatable PC – The Ultimate Laptop!
49. Kickstand for a tank.
50. Laundromat in a nudist colony.
51. Leather cutlery.
52. Lie detectors for politicians.
53. Low salt brine.
54. Low-calorie PowerBar.
55. Luminous sun-dial, for use at night.
56. Matte finish floor wax.
57. Mesh raincoat.
58. Money with negative face value.
59. Motorcycle seat-belts.
60. Muffler Bearings.
61. Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
62. Non-stick Cellotape.
63. Open-toed Safety Shoes.
64. Papier mache step ladder.
65. Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact.
66. Particle board tent stakes.
67. Reduced calorie water.
68. Remote control for a computer.
69. Remote control for a Watchman.
70. Reversible garbage disposal.
71. Rubber Kleenex.
72. Screen door on a submarine.
73. Second-hand fireworks.
74. Self-stick frying pan.
75. Soap-Dissolver.
76. Solar powered flashlight.
77. Solar-powered night light.
78. Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers.
79. Steel-belted radial rubber bands.
80. Strap-on portable chairs.
81. Sugar-coated insulin.
82. Sundial with glow in the dark markings.
83. Tire chains for motorcycles.
84. Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC.
85. Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
86. Umbrella with a skylight.
87. Unsinkable submarine.
88. Waterproof sponge.
89. Waterproof teabags.
90. Waterproof toilet paper.

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following
questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two
hours in non- stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as
in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top
of your freshly- cleaned- of- hair bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to
stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch
him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy
any stuffed toy or cat- sized household ornament which might be
misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all
property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if
you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions … relax,
your cat is normal!