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Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Great, I’ll be thin but braindead.)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (I’m one of them!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…? Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self- agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power “Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now- clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
THE DOG

1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.

2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.

3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.

4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.

5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.

6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.

7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.

8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clich

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns

4. Glorious military history… well, until about 400 a.d.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside

6. Political stability

7. Flexible working hours

8. Live near the Pope

9. Country run by Sicilian murderers



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