* Visitors
o Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

* Barking
o Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…

* Licking
o Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

* Holes
o Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

* Doors
o The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

* The Art Of Sniffing
o Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

* Dining Etiquette
o Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

* Housebreaking
o Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

* Going For Walks
o Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

* Couches
o It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

* Playing
o If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.

* Chasing Cats
o When chasing cats, make sure you never–quite–catch them. It spoils all the fun.

* Chewing
o Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.

1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9- lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss !

Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare… After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”

* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you’re moved on.
* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
* MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co- ordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don’t forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth- running household.

FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.
4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent – your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

1. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5. A penny saved is a government oversight.

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

9. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

ME! Ailments? NEVER!

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase “soggy nudging.” Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious — any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NON SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat’s life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owner’s earlobes/ nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.