1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band- aid to wife’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney….
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared
Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built- in buzzer.
2. A four footed allergen.
3. A small, four- legged, fur- bearing extortionist.
4. A small, furry lap fungus.
5. A treat- seeking missile.
6. A wildlife control expert.
7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. A hair relocation expert.
9. An unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat’s life.
Catatonic: A feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.
Dog: A cat’s device for running practice.
Door: Something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Energy: The element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
Human: An automatic door opener for cats.
Impurrsonate: To act like the cat.
Kitten: A small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near- mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.
Purrade: An organized march of cats.
Purradise: The garden of Cats.
Purramour: A cat lover.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia: A cat’s personal belongings.
Purrch: Any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase: Anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume: The scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory: A houseful of kittens.
Purrmission: A feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual: Everlasting feline love.
Purrplex: A house with two or more cats.
Purrson: A male kitten.
Purrsuit: The garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia: An irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner: Sonar- like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: A cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.
1. Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL” out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”.
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the “Real” world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the “Real” world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he’d IM you.
9. You don’t understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the “real” world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always “yelling” at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to “in real life” and ask them for their GIF.
15. Although you don’t know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don’t even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, “What did you say?” you reply, “Scroll up!”
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won’t know you’re on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away and how you’re feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you’re chatting and you think, “Uh oh, cyber sex perv”.
40. You go thru “withdrawal” if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means.
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to come home from work.
47. You don’t know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have ad.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL”.
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
60. People say, “If it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!”
61. You dream in “text”.
62. Being called a Newbie is a “MAJOR” insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you’re really bored.
64. You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say “BRB” or “BBL”.
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up “giving” tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the “Jaws of Life”.
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience.
76. You know what a “snert” is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to “check your mail” & while there you “just wanted to see who was online”.
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
79. You’ve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they’d be on AOL so you don’t have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 AOLers.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.
