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The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: – 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8’s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.

People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
People ask your wife when her baby’s due and she’s not pregnant.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
People don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
People think you’re having a yard sale… and you’re not.
PMS stands for “Parent Medical System.”
Psychopath is a mountain trail for bikes.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you “bring your own.”
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
Rocky Top is your favorite song
Sand people back down from your mama.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
Some offers you a silver plate and you pull off you belt buckle and say, “No thanks, I’ve already got one”
Somebody says, “HO DOWN” and your wife falls to the ground!!
Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
Somebody yells “Hoe down!” and your wife hits the floor
Somebody yells “Hoedown” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
Someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw.
Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
Steeling road signs is a family outing.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
That billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
That white-tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in.
The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
The best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
The biggest city You’ve been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest city You’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
The bouquet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetery.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
The church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
The dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.

The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications)

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable.”

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades – King David; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Hearts – Charlemagne; and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down – hence the expression “to get fired.”

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

The term “the whole 9 yards” came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.”

Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger that it’s brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

1. All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.

2. Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”

3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

4. You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred.

5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

7. She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!



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