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* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri- Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four- legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

1. Anything that’s moving.

2. Green Carrots.

3. Moldy Croutons.

4. Body parts.

5. Blood in the French Dressing.

6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.

7. I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!

8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.

9. How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.

10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.

1. We know where you live.

2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

3. Everyone’s meal today is on you!

4. The “special sauce” came from the floor!

5. Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

8. Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.

9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe

* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

* I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late- night snacks.

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

* I will not help myself to Q- tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

* I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

* I will remember that I am A walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

* I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

* I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say “Where’s my supper!”

* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until we get home.”

2. My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you… Don’t talk back to me!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

5. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

7. My mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold.”

8. My mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You’re just like your father.”

11. My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”

12. My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…”When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

13. And my all time favorite…JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like.”



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