Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


In the state of political correctness, nobody is a “liar” they are simply “verbally superfluous”. No one is a “housekeeper,” they are “domestic engineers.” See how we can apply this “game” to the many activities of our cats:

* My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

* My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

* My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

* My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

* My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

* My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.

* My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.

* My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile,” she enjoys the proximity of food.

* My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.

* My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

* My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

* My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.

* My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.

* My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

* My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

* My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

* My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

* My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.

* My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

New computer viruses you should know about!

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS – Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 – The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 – Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

PBS VIRUS – Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS – Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS – Sings you a song (slightly off- key) on boot- up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

1. You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

2. You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.

3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

6. The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

8. The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.

9. Your red T-shirt is now green.

10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.

2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”

6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

10. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

11. Your dog has its own home page.

12. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.

13. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

16. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months

18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

19. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.

20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

21. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

22. You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.”

23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.



© 2015 ijokedb.com