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1. Geez, what died in here?

2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

3. Nice service…where’s the keg?

4. When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

5. Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.

6. Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

* Cats rule. Dogs drool.

* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.

* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.

* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake- up licks.

* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.

* Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.

* Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.

* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.

* No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”

* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.

* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.

* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.

* Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”

* Garfield. Odie.

* Enough said.

You bring your dog to work with you.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend.
You bum a smoke from your third grade kid.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You burn your lawn instead of mowing it.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You buy something you already have.
You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your “stuff” (cars, trucks building materials).
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
You buy your china as a grocery store special every week.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You buy your wife camouflage lingerie.
You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
You call a chicken a yard bird.
You call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph.
You call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket.
You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
You call your boss “dude”.
You call your wife “ma” and want her to call you “pa.”
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
You can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’nuff a redneck.
You can burp the entire chorus of “Jingle Bells”.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You can chew your own toenails.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word “chicken”.
You can eat an ear of corn and spell “Home Sweet Home” on it.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.
You can French kiss with a toothpick in your mouth.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You can give a summary of all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes.
You can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.
You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.
You can recite your vowels in one burp.
You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.
You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.
You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
You can see all your family members when you’re in your own bed.
You can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend’s forehead, and it works.
You can spit tobacco juice through the holes in your truck’s floorboard.

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…

As Hostage Taker:

1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.

4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

7. Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

9. Forget your gun at home.

10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.

11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”

3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.

5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”

6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

8. Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”



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