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* Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

* Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.

* Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.

* When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri- Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.

* Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.

* What you thought was “heat” is actually a four- legged goose step.

* Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.

* Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.

* Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.

* Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”

* Then – dead mice in the kitchen. Now – dead third world dictators in the basement.

* Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.

* Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.

* Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.

* What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

* Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

1. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

5. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.

8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

9. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

10. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

11. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

16. Honk and wave to strangers.

17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

19. type only in lowercase.

20. dont use any punctuation either

21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

25. Ask people what gender they are.

26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

28. Sing along at the opera.

Ten Tips For Cats Who Are Forced To Relocate With Their Owners

Cats are free spirits. Even when compressed into a small cat carrier, they are in charge. We can learn from them.

1. If you sense your owner plans to move, be on your best behaviour.
Revive those terminally cute poses you used to get yourself adopted. Let your owner sleep past 5 AM. Keep your paws out of your owner’s hair.
Use the litterbox religiously. If you must throw up, head for the bathroom and skip the windowsills.
You do not want your owner to entertain thoughts like, “I don’t want to ruin the beautiful floors in our new home,” or, “You know, it’s really hard to rent an apartment when you have a cat.”

2. Here’s a great game. Jump into an empty box, stick your head out and hold the pose while your owner runs around looking for a camera. As soon as she appears, finger on snap button, turn around and point your tail at the camera.
You’ll learn some new cuss words, guaranteed.

3. The arrival of the moving van is your cue to hide. You can have lots of fun with this one.
Your owner will run around frantically, cursing the movers: “You idiots! You left the door open! Now little Furball is gone forever!”
After they’ve wasted an hour running around the neighborhood, appear out of nowhere and begin to wash. When they shriek, “Oh there she is!” and try to hug you, summon an aloof glare and wash your face again.
Bonus tip: If you really want to freak them out, hide in your cat carrier.

4. As you begin your twelve-hour drive, remember that your owners would rather listen to your yowling than to the latest tapes or the local weather and news. Keep it up!

5. Demand a sandbox break as soon as your owner begins driving on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pull over. A narrow bridge with bumper-to-bumper traffic is a good choice.

6. Motel etiquette calls for you to sit in the window, looking absolutely adorable. Encourage passers-by to tap on the glass at all hours, especially if your owner has forgotten to draw the curtains.
If you suspect your owners have snuck you into the room without checking, begin yowling as soon as they try to move you to a more secluded spot.

7. When it’s time to hit the road at 6 AM, you don’t want to be found. If you can position yourself under the queensize bed, out of reach of your owner’s arms, you can delay everyone’s travel plans for a good half hour. The award for the most creative hiding place goes to the feline who wedged herself between mattress cover and springs.
Caution: This only works if your owner really adores you. If you can’t be found in twenty minutes, you might be looking for a new home.

8. Insist on being present when boxes are unpacked. Jump into each box to make sure the contents arrived safely. If your owners lock you into the bathroom “so kitty can’t escape,” use the opportunity to practice your singing. The movers need entertainment, too.

9. Demand to test each windowsill of the new home. If you still have claws, test the curtains to see if they’ll hold your weight. Fifteen pounds? Should be no problem.
Regardless, those miniblinds offer limitless opportunities for new versions of torture-the-owner. How many can you bend? How about breaking off a little hole for your head to peek through? Cute.

10. Encourage your owner to get a dog. You may never have to move again. “Honey, we can’t move. We could never afford another place where Spot could have a yard.”

The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”
The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”
The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”
The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”
The Interior Designer – who tells her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”
The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”
The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns

4. Glorious military history… well, until about 400 a.d.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside

6. Political stability

7. Flexible working hours

8. Live near the Pope

9. Country run by Sicilian murderers



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