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Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)

9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

* I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

* I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

* The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

* I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

* I will not throw up in the car.

* I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers- on.

* I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

* I will not eat other animals’ poop.

* I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

* I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.

* “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

* I will not eat any more socks and then re- deposit them in the backyard after processing.

* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

* I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

* I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

* I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

* I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

* I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

* We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

* I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

* The sofa is not a face towel.

* Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

* I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

* I will not play tug- o’- war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.

9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.

8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.

7. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.

6. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”

3. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Your family’s No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
Your father marries someone with the same last name as yours.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
Your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.”
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.
Your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
Your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin’ contest.
Your favorite fishing hole has more car parts in it than a junk yard.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your favorite fruit is chicken.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
Your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day.
Your favorite place is your deerstand.
Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
Your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
Your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale
Your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it.
Your favorite song is “Old McDonald”
Your favorite stick is your fishing pole.
Your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.
Your first bra was a Wonderbra.
Your first name consists of initials.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
Your flyswatter gets more use than your toothbrush.
Your Fourth of July cookout has ever been ruined because someone got drunk and burned the Spam.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.
Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
Your front yard has any broken appliances in it.
Your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.
Your garage is so full you can’t park your car in it.
Your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.
Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Are you all tied up & can’t get through to anyone on the phone?
Here are actual answering machine greetings recorded and verified by the world- famous International Institute of Answering Machines.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message.

© 2015