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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band- aid to wife’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!

1. We know where you live.

2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

3. Everyone’s meal today is on you!

4. The “special sauce” came from the floor!

5. Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

8. Your dog Sparky…he’s no longer missing.

9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

1. You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5. The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

6. The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.”

8. Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

10. You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

11. You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

You videotape fishing shows.
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma’s BB gun.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
You walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them.
You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.
You wash your truck in a mud puddle.
You watch “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and have to find someone to explain it to you.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
You wax your eyebrows with duck tape.
You wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.
You wear a tube top to a wedding.
You wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots.
You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
You wear your Mom’s dress that she wore at her funeral.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45′s.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.
You were born and raised in a pickup truck.
You were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
You were expelled from summer school.
You were just married and you have nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You were too drunk to fish
You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
You win the lottery and buy a doublewide trailor.
You wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.
You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
You won’t get your dog “fixed” because you never no when someone might want him to stud.
You won’t stop at a rest area you have an empty beer can in the car.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
You wonder why there isn’t a hairstyle called “The Hat Line.”
You wore a baseball cap to the opera.
You wore camoflauge to your wedding.



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