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1) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

6) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

8) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic. They’ll open up again.”

9) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

10) Tell people that you can see their aura.

11) Call out, “GROUP HUG!” and enforce it.

12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up. All of you. JUST SHUT UP!!!”

13) Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and say: “You guys got enough air in there?”

14) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall without getting off.

15) Stare at another passenger for a while, then ask in horror, “You’re one of THEM, aren’t you?” and back away slowly.

16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.

17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, and then push the wrong ones.

20) Smile at another passenger for a while, then announce “It’s so rare that I meet anyone special on the elevator anymore.”

21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space!!”

22) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap him or her on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.

23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on. Indicate to the other passengers that they shouldn’t give the answer away.

25) Hold the doors open, and say that you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg, how’s your day been?”

26) Drop a pen, and when someone reaches to help pick it up, scream “Hey, that’s MY pen!”

* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

* Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

* Dogs look at your eyes.

* Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.

* Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

* Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.

* Dogs understand what “no” means.

* Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.

* Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.

* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.

* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

* Dogs are nice to your relatives.

* Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.

* Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.

* Dogs admit it when they’re lost.

* Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.

* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

* Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.

* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

* You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.

* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

* You can train a dog.

* You can force a dog to take a bath.

* Middle- aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

* Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.

* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain “My arm is tired” after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot – even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her “collar.”

21. I will not cut my master’s nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like “going to work”.

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.

27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating “chew toys” from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master’s language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy “chair”.

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping “illegally”.

Miaow – Feed me.

Meeow – Pet me.

Mrooww – I love you.

Miioo- oo- oo – I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up.

Mrow – I feel like making noise.

Rrrow- mawww – Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

Rrrow- miawww – I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

Miaowmiaow – Play with me.

Miaowmioaw – Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

Mioawmioaw – Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

Raowwwww – I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

Mrowwwww – (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

Roww- maww- roww – I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

Mmeww – I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

Gakk- ak- ak – My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

Mow – Snuggling is a good idea.

Moww – Shedding is pretty good, too.

Mowww! – I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

Miaow! miaow! – I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

Mraakk! – Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

Ssssroww! – I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.

Mmmmmmm – If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.



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