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Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.

There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.

1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

3. How cute… a tax form done in crayon.

4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver’s license every 4 years, not the other way around.

5. Just because you talk to your plants ma’am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office “contributions” are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you’ve had cannot count as a business expense.

8. I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow your “Give me an extension and I’ll give you an extension later at my place” argument.

9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you’re not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we’ll screw you later!!

15 Angelfish Cake
14 Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13 Chow Chow Mein
12 Bran Muffy
11 Eggs BenjiDict
10 Yorkieshire pudding
9 Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8 Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7 Shrimp Cockatiel
6 Fettucine AlFido
5 Chicken Poodle Soup
4 Turtlellini
3 Lhasa Thermidor
2 Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
1 I’ll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

Is your devotion to your cat and “cat things” in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless “cat- a- holic?” Let’s just see how you rate as a “cat person,” shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST “yes” answer to:

* Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?

* Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat’s name by mistake?

* Do you think of your cats as the “furry kids?”

* Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litter box?

* Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?

* Last Christmas did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for The kids or grandkids?

* Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don’t own any cats?

* Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?

* Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won’t disturb the cat who’s sleeping in the very middle?

* Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?

* Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?

* Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?

* When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as “using the litter box”?

* Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?

* Do you know your cat’s birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?

* When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, “OK, it’s me or the cat,” you don’t hesitate for even one second.

* Do your neighbors talk about you as “the nut with all the cats?”

Cat-person Profile Quiz Score

How many did you answer “yes” to? I think just answering one with a “yes” is enough to qualify you as a “Cat Person.” But the number of yes answers determines the degree:

Your “Cat-ability” Score:

* 1 to 4 yes answers: In training – you could do better, but it’s OK, you’re learning.

* 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate – working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.

* 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme – just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

* 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat- a- holic. Congratulations!

* IF you can start the day without caffeine.

* IF you can get along without pep pills.

* IF you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

* IF you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

* IF you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

* IF you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

* IF you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong.

* IF you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

* IF you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her.

* IF you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor one.

* IF you can face the world without lie or deceit.

* IF you can conquer tension without medical help.

* IF you can relax without liquor.

* IF you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

* IF you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, sex, religion, national origin, gender preference or politics.

THEN you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog or cat.



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