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Favourite London signs

“DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER”
(cemetery)

“THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS”
(department store)

“‘BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME”
(restaurant)

“MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN”
(launderette)

“WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN’T WORK
(repair shop door)

“WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN”
(office)

“MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT”
(German restaurant)

“WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN?”
(second-hand shop)

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
(toilet)

“QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR”
(beach)

“PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS”
(petrol station)

“AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD”
(office)

“ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF”
(dry cleaners)

“CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS”
(health food shop)

“MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK”
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)

“ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR”
(safari park)

1. Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.

2. Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

4. Its named Matlock Manor.

5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

7. You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.

8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.

9. Two words: Community Bedpan.

1. You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

2. You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.

3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!

Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Great, I’ll be thin but braindead.)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (I’m one of them!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…? Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

1. Chicken McBobbitts

2. Salmon McNella

3. Tom & Roseanne “Together Forever” Value Meal

4. Shirley McLean Burger

5. McMenudo

6. Filet o’ Gefilte Fish

7. Way Too Happy Meal

8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal

9. Them Ain’t Nuggets!

10. McKitty Sandwich

11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger

12. Rocky Mountain McOysters

13. McSpleen

14. The Depressed Meal

15. Filet O’ Flesh

16. McShrooms

17. Bob Barker’s Happy Pants Meal

18. McTonya Club Sandwich

19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal



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