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The Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”

A Women’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.

3) Mutter “Slut” under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can’t move, or you’ll get germs!

10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

14) Flush.

15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.

21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.

22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!

23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.

27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.

28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast … You were really quick this time!

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

1. All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.

2. Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”

3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

4. You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred.

5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

7. She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

* Visitors
o Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

* Barking
o Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…

* Licking
o Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

* Holes
o Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

* Doors
o The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

* The Art Of Sniffing
o Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

* Dining Etiquette
o Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

* Housebreaking
o Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

* Going For Walks
o Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

* Couches
o It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

* Playing
o If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.

* Chasing Cats
o When chasing cats, make sure you never–quite–catch them. It spoils all the fun.

* Chewing
o Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.

1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9- lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss !

Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare… After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering:”

* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you’re moved on.
* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
* MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co- ordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don’t forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth- running household.

FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.
4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent – your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.



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