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My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer – he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences.

1 The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
2 Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner
3 Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte of this and a little byte of that.”
4 Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
5 The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
6 The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday
7 The KPC start button is labelled, “Let’s go already, I’m not getting any younger.”
8 When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, “Please remove cable from the tuchus.”
9 KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, “You vant I should fix this?”
10 When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
11 After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen.
12 KPC email always opens with “You don’t write and you never call.”
13 The KPC options button is labelled, “But on the other hand.”
14 When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, “Listen, you never know – you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?”
15 The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.
16 Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to
change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in
which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot
in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section
of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount
of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human
expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

1. “Scream” suite which becomes vacant quickly.

2. Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at all times.

3. Marv Albert has reservations for “The Crying Game” floor.

4. More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.

5. No one takes a shower on the “Psycho” floor

6. Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide…YIKES

7. No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor…just use the Force.

8. Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.

9. Wake up call on Stallone floor is “Yo, Adrian!”

10. “Showgirls” floor booked until Congress.

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”

12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can’t I take yours?”

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.

17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

* Goes from 22 hours of happy- go- lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

* All he wants to do is watch “Catlock.”

* Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

* Last year: Went a- courtin’ carrying a “pencil full o’ lead.” This year: Goes a- courtin’ carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

* Bitches non- stop about the “bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.”

* Trades in his Whiskas for prune- flavored Whippasnappas.

* “You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the ’80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin’ claws off…”

* Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub- contracts the job.

* Writes “Put me to sleep” in its litter box with pee.

* When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.

* Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

* Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.

* Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

* Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.

* Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

* While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

© 2015