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* Aquarium: Interactive television for cats.

* Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built- in buzzer. 2. A four footed allergen. 3. A small, four- legged, fur- bearing extortionist. 4. A small, furry lap fungus. 5. A treat- seeking missile. 6. A wildlife control expert. 7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. A hair relocation expert. 9. An unprogrammable animal.

* Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat’s life.

* Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.

* Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.

* Dog: A cat device for running practice.

* Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

* Human: An automatic door opener for cats.

* Impurrsonate: To act like the cat.

* Kitten: A small homicidal bundle of fur on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near- mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two!

* Purrade: An organized march of cats.

* Purradise: The garden of Cats.

* Purramour: A cat lover.

* Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

* Purraphernalia: A cat’s personal belongings.

* Purrch: Any favoured feline napping spot.

* Purrchase: Anything bought for a cat.

* Purrgatory: A houseful of kittens.

* Purrmission: A feline hunting expedition.

* Purrpetual: Everlasting feline love.

* Purrplex: A house with two or more cats.

* Purrson: A male kitten.

* Purrsuit: The garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

* Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.

* Yawn: A cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.

1. You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

2. The Sun is too loud.

3. Trees begin to chase you.

4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

6. You can hear mimes.

7. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

8. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

9. Things become “Very Clear.”

10. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

11. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

12. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14. You and Reality file for divorce.

15. You can skip without a rope.

16. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

17. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

18. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

19. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

20. You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

21. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

22. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

23. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* Always lick after meals!

* Learn the difference between idleness and repose – one wastes time the other luxuriates in it.

* The three great lies of Life are:

1. The cheque is in the post.
2. All I want is one kiss.
3. It’ll be alright, just get in the travelling basket.

* Long naps never go out of fashion.

* Just say no to catnip!

* Let sleeping dogs lie – literally!

* Get your booster shots every year.

* Get to know every view from every window in your home.

* Begin each day with a long hard stretch.

* Treat yourself to a nap in the sock drawer once in a while.

* Own nothing and be owned by no one.

* Never be discouraged by the words No, Stop That or Bad Cat.

* Never purr half-heartedly.

* Don’t worry about little things.

* Don’t worry about big things.

* See how long that toilet paper around the roll really is.

* Miaow and the world Miaows with you, hiss and you hiss alone.

* Keep everybody’s secrets.

* Make friends with the milkman.

* Play and sleep in cardboard boxes.

* Help with making the bed.

* Help with making dinner.

* Regard all neatly stacked piles of paper as provocation.

* Don’t cry over spilt milk – lap it up instead.

* Make the world your scratching post.

* Never sleep alone!

and finally…

* Become someone’s friend for life.

Cats that live with writers have to be especially creative to run the household they allow the writer to share. There are two methods that will get you the attention you deserve, you can use either plan:

1. Be the cutest cat in the world (not difficult but slightly humiliating).
2. Be the baddest cat in the world (easier and much more satisfying).

I suggest a combination of the two.
Get your writer involved in your day first thing in the morning; otherwise, you could starve if they get to the computer first.

1. Set the time you wish to rise and if treading lightly over the body of the sleeping writer does not wake them, proceed to CUTE by giving them a wet cat kiss on the face. They do not like it, but will never get mad because it is such an honour. (This is you at your cutest: use sparingly).
If cute doesn’t get the writer out of bed you’ll have to revert to plan B and more drastic measures. Proceed to BAD by first running heavily over the writer and finally launching yourself off the body with your FULL weight concentrated on ONE paw in a vital area of the dozing body.

2. Establish an early feeding time, so you can get to the computer to check your email while your writer is busy getting your food. Once it has been served, do not worry about it unless there are (god forbid) other animals in your house. Do your computer stuff while you have the chance, if there is nothing happening on the net, now would be the time to curl up on the computer chair and start your first nap of the day.

3. If you have trained your writer properly, they will hesitate before removing your sleeping body from the chair. They may, however, want to get started on the computer, and if you’ve trained them right, will gently carry you over to your food dish.

4. As they are setting you down, do a quick inspection of your eating area, making sure your placemat is clean, and your water dish is full. If not, insert a paw into the water dish and QUICKLY dump all the water out onto the floor. Try to do this right away before your writer gets back to the computer. Look VERY cute as you do it.

5. Try to look sorry. Lowering the ears and looking up with neck held back usually works here. If they just step over the water on the way back to the computer, proceed to plan B and throw a hissy fit. This involves meowing sorrowfully and LOUDLY, you cannot stop until the writer returns and cleans your eating area. Any creative hissies that you have used in the past can come into play here.

6 Once your writer is preoccupied with the computer, you have the run of the house to do whatever you need to. They will never notice as long as you don’t knock anything over too loudly. Have fun.

7 When you decide the weather is just right and you want to go outside, if your writer is ignoring you, go over and do the cute attention getters: patting the thigh with a sheathed paw. Meow pitifully next to the chair without let-up if the thigh pat doesn’t work. Proceed to plan B only when all your cutest attempts have failed.
This could be ACCIDENTALLY releasing a claw or two with the thigh pat, staring threateningly at the writer with a low growl or jumping up on their lap and typing on the keyboard. This is a surefire let-me-outside-NOW attention grabber.

8 Once you are outdoors, you may feel bored or lonely, and want your writer to come out to sit and watch you or even to play with you. This is a very difficult problem. First, you have to get their attention. Cute does not work here at all.
You have to resort to instinctive behaviour here and hang out at the bird feeder. As soon as you have stirred up all the birds, making them chirp noisily to attract your writers attention, you can proceed to plan B and either grab a bird to play with, (this GUARANTEES the swift arrival of your writer) or just sit looking cute now. Either way, you have their attention and can proceed to the next step.

9 Getting back into the house is something you want to do very quickly. If there is no bird feeder and no birds around you’ll have to skip cute and go right to plan B here: scratching on the door. Due to heavy concentration on your writers part though, it may take several attempts to train your writer. If scratching doesn’t do it you’ll have to rip the screen.
They will act very quickly to let you in once you have ruined a screen or two. After a drastic measure like this you must be at your CUTEST for at least half an hour. It’s a hardship, but they’ll get over the damage quicker if you become irresistible.
There are some writers who don’t care about a ripped screen, in this case you will have to jump up and hang on the screen on the window nearest their computer, yowling like you can’t get down. The writer will finally come out and get you off if you can keep it up long enough.

10 This is VERY important, on those rare occasions that you can get rid of your writer, (most of them at least have to mail out all that writing), be sure you make yourself unavailable when they are leaving. Find the highest perch in the house and get up there. If you lay there quietly they may not see you and will leave without bothering you or putting you outside. If they do see you, refuse to come down.
They will give up, they always leave everything to the last minute, so won’t have time to climb up to get you. On the rare occasions if they do climb up, jump down just as they get there and head out FAST to your secure hiding place – Good luck!

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain “My arm is tired” after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I’m doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he’s looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it’s hot – even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master’s ball in a place where I know he couldn’t possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master’s necklace as her “collar.”

21. I will not cut my master’s nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like “going to work”.

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master’s desires are always paramount. My master’s wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.

27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid’s entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating “chew toys” from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master’s language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I’m afraid she’ll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master’s nice comfy “chair”.

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping “illegally”.

© 2015