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10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

1. 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

2. 7 Have been arrested for fraud.

3. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

4. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

5. 3 Have been arrested for assault.

6. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card.

7. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

9. 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

10. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

* IF you can start the day without caffeine.

* IF you can get along without pep pills.

* IF you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

* IF you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

* IF you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

* IF you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

* IF you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong.

* IF you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

* IF you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her.

* IF you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor one.

* IF you can face the world without lie or deceit.

* IF you can conquer tension without medical help.

* IF you can relax without liquor.

* IF you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

* IF you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, sex, religion, national origin, gender preference or politics.

THEN you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog or cat.



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