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The following is a “history” collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your land speeder.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
There is anyone named Cletus in your family.
There is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car.
There is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
There is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.
There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve to hit it.
There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
There’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
There’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
Think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
Think foot ball is kicking someone in the balls
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
Tonight’s supper was too slow crossing the road this morning
Truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
When finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn’t know was there.
When someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
When you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.
When you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you’re gonna “fix it up a little”
When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is you can lose them or not.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
When you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.
When you walk your dog you both use the same tree.
When you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
When you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: – 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.

People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
People ask your wife when her baby’s due and she’s not pregnant.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
People don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
People think you’re having a yard sale… and you’re not.
PMS stands for “Parent Medical System.”
Psychopath is a mountain trail for bikes.
Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you “bring your own.”
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
Rocky Top is your favorite song
Sand people back down from your mama.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
Some offers you a silver plate and you pull off you belt buckle and say, “No thanks, I’ve already got one”
Somebody says, “HO DOWN” and your wife falls to the ground!!
Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
Somebody yells “Hoe down!” and your wife hits the floor
Somebody yells “Hoedown” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
Someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw.
Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”
Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
Steeling road signs is a family outing.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
That billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
That white-tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in.
The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
The best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
The biggest city You’ve been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest city You’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
The bouquet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetery.
The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
The church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
The dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.



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