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* Your opening line is: “So, what’s your homepage address?”

* This is followed by, “And what websites are you on?”

* You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see “Enhanced for Netscape 6.0” on one of the clouds.

* You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.

* You felt driven to consult the “Cool Page of the Day” on your wedding day.

* One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you’ve never met him.

* You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the “Back” button.

* You visit “The Really Big Button That Doesn’t Do Anything” again and again and again.

* Your dog has his own webpage.

* So does your hamster.

* So does your cat – with the count of hamster kills.

* So does your hamster.

* When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

1. Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL” out loud.

3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

4. You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out”.

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. If you are male and see a female in the “Real” world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.

8. If you are female and you see a male in the “Real” world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he’d IM you.

9. You don’t understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the “real” world is at your fingertips.

10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.

12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.

13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always “yelling” at you.

14. You go up to people you are attracted to “in real life” and ask them for their GIF.

15. Although you don’t know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.

16. You don’t even know what your cyber-love looks like.

17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.

18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.

20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.

21. When someone says, “What did you say?” you reply, “Scroll up!”

22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won’t know you’re on-line again.

24. You know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.

25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away and how you’re feeling.

30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.

31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!

33. Your dog leaves you.

34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.

35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.

37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you’re chatting and you think, “Uh oh, cyber sex perv”.

40. You go thru “withdrawal” if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means.

43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.

46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain “special” person to come home from work.

47. You don’t know where the time has gone.

48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have ad.

50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

51. You don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.

53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL”.

55. You type faster than you think.

56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

60. People say, “If it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!”

61. You dream in “text”.

62. Being called a Newbie is a “MAJOR” insult.

63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you’re really bored.

64. You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.

65. You double click your TV remote.

66. You can now type over 70 wpm.

67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say “BRB” or “BBL”.

69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).

70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.

72. You stop speaking in full sentences.

73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up “giving” tech support to other AOLers.

74. You have to be pried from your computer by the “Jaws of Life”.

75. Your last sexual experience was really just a “textual” experience.

76. You know what a “snert” is.

77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to “check your mail” & while there you “just wanted to see who was online”.

78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.

79. You’ve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.

80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they’d be on AOL so you don’t have to meet them in person.

81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

83. You have met over 100 AOLers.

84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.

85. You understand the humor in all of this.

86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.

87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.

A condom – is a large apartment.
A diaphragm – is a drawing in Geometry.
A dildo – is a variety of the sweet pickle.
A menstrual cycle – has three wheels.
A pubic hair – is a type of wild rabbit.
An erection – is when Japanese people vote.
An umbilical chord – is part of a parachute.
Asphalt – describes rectal problems.
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria.
Barium – What doctors do when patients die.
Benign – What you be after you be eight.
Catscan – Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section – A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic – A sheep dog.
Coma – A punctuation mark.
D&C – Where Washington is.
Dilate – To live long.
Douche – is the French word for “twelve.
Enema – Not a friend.
Fester – Quicker than someone else.
Fetus – is a character on Gunsmoke.
Fibula – A small lie.
G.I.Series – World Series of military baseball.
Genitals – are people of non-Jewish descent.
Hangnail – What you hang your coat on.
Impotent – Distinguished, well known.
Kotex – is a radio station in Cincinatti.
Labor Pain – Getting hurt at work.
Masturbate – is used to catch large fish.
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid – A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates.
Node – I knew it.
Outpatient – A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear – A fatherhood test.
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative – A letter carrier.
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery.
Rectum – Damn near killed him.
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman emperor.
Spread Eagle – is an extinct bird.
Tablet – A small table.
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
Testacles – are found on an octopus.
The clitoris – is a type of flower.
Tumor – More than one.
Urine – Opposite of mine.
Varicose – Near by/close by

* Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

* Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

* Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

* Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

* Do you admit to non- cat owners how many cats you really have?

* Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

* Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

* Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

* Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

* Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

* Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

* Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

* Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

* Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

* Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

* Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

* Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

* Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

* Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

* Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?

* Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

* Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?

* Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?

* When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

* Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

* Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

* Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

* At the store, do you pick out the catfood before you pick out anything for yourself?

* Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

* Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?

* Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

* Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

* Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

* Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

* Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way.)

* When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

* Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double- date with the cats to see how they get along?

* When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

* Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Q. What American State has the highest percentage of people who walk to work? A. Alaska
The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David; Hearts – Charlemagne; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Diamonds – Julius Caesar
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both of the horses front legs in the air the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father’s Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snooping in your medicine cabinet
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “Goodnight, sleep tight.”
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month. We know it today as the “Honeymoon.”
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, “Mind your own pints and quarts and settle down!” It’s where we get the phrase “Mind your P’s and Q’s.”
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden …and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

AND FINALLY:
At least 75% of the people who read this will try to lick their elbow.



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