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Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

Women would rule the world.

1. Has more chins than lives.

2. Enormous furry gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

4. It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

5. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

6. No longer cleans herself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

7. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

8. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

9. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

10. Cat door retrofitted with garage- door opener.

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did i wake you?”
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You feel like the night before and didn’t even go out.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge
Dialing long distance tires you out.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
Everything hurts, and when it doesn’t, it doesn’t work.
Your little black book only contains names ending in MD.
You get winded playing chess.
You join a health club and don’t go.
You’re still chasing women, but can’t remember why.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t fulfill.
You know all the answers but no one asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You turn out the light for economic, not romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t make it go.
Your knees buckle but your belt doesn’t.
You’re 17 around the neck, 43 around the waist and 100 around the golf course.
After painting the town red you have to take a nap before a 2nd coat.
A lot of room in the house, but none in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You finally know your way around and don’t feel like going.
Everything is farther away than it used to be and it’s twice as far to the corner than it used to be and they’ve added a hill.
You give up running for the bus because it leaves much faster than it used to.
Stairs are much steeper than they used to be and they’re using smaller print in the papers.
New clothes are getting smaller in the hips and waist.
Everyone speaks so low you can’t hear them.
People are much younger than they were when you were their age, but people your age are older than your are.
You meet an old friend who has aged so much she doesn’t recognize you.

New computer viruses you should know about!

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS – Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 – The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 – Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

PBS VIRUS – Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS – Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS – Sings you a song (slightly off- key) on boot- up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

1. Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.

2. You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.

3. You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of “South Virginia”, and driving off in a fit of laughter.

4. You’re stuck with AM Radio…AM COUNTRY radio.

5. You’ve grown tired of seeing the group “Glass Tiger” at the local Acorn Festival each year.

6. The sheep won’t take your “abuse” anymore and they are planning a revolt.

7. Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.

8. The local theatre’s performance of “Les Miserables” left something, no A LOT, to be desired.

9. You’ve had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of “shine”.

10. No matter how hard you try, your cows don’t appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.



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