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1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said “May I take your order?”

12. When asked if they can take your order say “No, why can’t I take yours?”

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.

17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

* Goes from 22 hours of happy- go- lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

* All he wants to do is watch “Catlock.”

* Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

* Last year: Went a- courtin’ carrying a “pencil full o’ lead.” This year: Goes a- courtin’ carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

* Bitches non- stop about the “bankrupt moral values of kittens these days.”

* Trades in his Whiskas for prune- flavored Whippasnappas.

* “You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the ’80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin’ claws off…”

* Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub- contracts the job.

* Writes “Put me to sleep” in its litter box with pee.

* When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.

* Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

* Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.

* Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

* Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.

* Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.

* While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.

Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Great, I’ll be thin but braindead.)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (I’m one of them!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…? Did the government pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that, too!)

Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

Women would rule the world.

1. Has more chins than lives.

2. Enormous furry gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

4. It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

5. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

6. No longer cleans herself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

7. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

8. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

9. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

10. Cat door retrofitted with garage- door opener.



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