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ME! Ailments? NEVER!

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase “soggy nudging.” Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious — any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NON SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat’s life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owner’s earlobes/ nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

2. You ski uphill.

3. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

4. You speed walk in your sleep.

5. You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”

6. You answer the door before people knock.

7. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

8. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

10. You sleep with your eyes open.

11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

12. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

14. You lick your coffeepot clean.

15. You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”

16. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

17. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

19. You chew on other people’s fingernails.

20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

21. Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”

22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

24. You can jump-start your car without cables.

25. Cocaine is a downer.

26. All your kids are named “Joe.”

27. You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

28. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

29. You don’t sweat, you percolate.

30. You buy milk by the barrel.

31. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

36. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

37. People get dizzy just watching you.

38. When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”

39. You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

40. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

43. You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

44. People can test their batteries in your ears.

45. Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

46. Instant coffee takes too long.

47. You channel surf faster without a remote.

48. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”

49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

52. You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

54. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

55. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

58. Your Thermos is on wheels.

59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

62. You short out motion detectors.

63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.

64. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

66. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

67. You don’t tan, you roast.

68. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

69. Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after.

70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

71. You can’t even remember your second cup.

72. You help your dog chase its tail.

73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

76. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

* You never have to use the space – bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch – high letters.

High – tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text – bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot – matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high – tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality – defying three – dimensional, active animation, photo – realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real – time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001″).

1. Geez, what died in here?

2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

3. Nice service…where’s the keg?

4. When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

5. Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.

6. Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.



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