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1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

2. You were born somewhere else.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

5. Your car has bulletproof windows.

6. Left is right and right is wrong.

7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

8. Your mouse has only one ball.

9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

11. You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

13. Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.

14. Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.

15. You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

17. More than clothes come out of the closets.

18. When ‘the Dead’ are best live.

19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

22. Smoking in your office is not optional.

23. When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.

24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

26. You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

29. When all highways into the state say: ‘no fruits’.

30. All highways out of the state say: ‘Go back’.

31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can’t dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who’s named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, ‘oh alright, I’ll stay the night”.

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar”.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a ‘former boyfriend”.

There are two significant influences in a man’s life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong – but you could still use them.

My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer – he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences.

1 The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
2 Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner
3 Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte of this and a little byte of that.”
4 Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
5 The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
6 The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday
7 The KPC start button is labelled, “Let’s go already, I’m not getting any younger.”
8 When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, “Please remove cable from the tuchus.”
9 KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, “You vant I should fix this?”
10 When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
11 After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen.
12 KPC email always opens with “You don’t write and you never call.”
13 The KPC options button is labelled, “But on the other hand.”
14 When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, “Listen, you never know – you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?”
15 The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.
16 Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock ‘n’ roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is. So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, okay?

My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer – he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences.

1 The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
2 Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner
3 Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte of this and a little byte of that.”
4 Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
5 The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
6 The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday
7 The KPC start button is labelled, “Let’s go already, I’m not getting any younger.”
8 When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, “Please remove cable from the tuchus.”
9 KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, “You vant I should fix this?”
10 When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
11 After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen.
12 KPC email always opens with “You don’t write and you never call.”
13 The KPC options button is labelled, “But on the other hand.”
14 When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, “Listen, you never know – you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?”
15 The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.
16 Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.



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