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1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

6. He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system.

7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

9. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.

10. No toes.

At the store, you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick
out anything for yourself.

You buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat.

The Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap.

Your cat signs the card.

You accept dates only with those who have a cat.

If so, you eventually double- date with the cats to see how they get along.

You climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won’t
disturb the sleeping cat.

You cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays.

You feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork.

You give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas.

You spend more for your cat at Christmas than you do for your spouse.

You have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator.

You have pictures of your cat in your wallet.

You bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children.

You kiss your cat on the lips?

You microwave your cat’s food.

You prepare your cat’s food from scratch.

You put off making the bed until the cat gets up.

You scoop out the litter box after each use,

You wait at the box with the scoop in your hand.

You select your friends based on how well your cats like them.

You sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your
cats when you move.

You think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter.

You watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote.

Your cat “insists” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an
omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout.

Your cat eats out of cut crystal stemware because you both
watched the same commercial on television.

Your cat sits at the table (or ON the table) when you eat.

Your cat sleeps on your head.

You like it your cat sleeping on your head.

When people call to talk to you on the phone, you insist that they
say a few words to your cat as well,

When someone new comes to your house, you introduce your cat,
by name, to them.

You introduce your visitor (s) by name to your cat.

You stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while
your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

You would rather spend a night at home with your cat than go
out on a bad date?

1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

2. The Amish Phone Directory

3. Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names

5. French Hospitality

6. Everything Women Know About Men

7. Everything Men Know About Women

8. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches

9. Different Ways To Spell Bob

10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

11. America’s Most Popular Lawyers

12. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean

13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

15. Human Rights Advances In China

16. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

17. The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion

18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

19. How To Land A Plane At Martha’s Vineyard – By Jfk, Jr.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Q. What American State has the highest percentage of people who walk to work? A. Alaska
The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David; Hearts – Charlemagne; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Diamonds – Julius Caesar
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both of the horses front legs in the air the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father’s Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snooping in your medicine cabinet
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “Goodnight, sleep tight.”
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month. We know it today as the “Honeymoon.”
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, “Mind your own pints and quarts and settle down!” It’s where we get the phrase “Mind your P’s and Q’s.”
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden …and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

AND FINALLY:
At least 75% of the people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
You wore your Burger King hat to your Prom.
You’d rather catch bass than get some
You’re 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You’re a lite beer drinker “cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.
You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
You’re a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club.”
You’re at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says, “I’m related to you!”
You’re banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.
You’re best Sofa came straight outta a Chevvy.
You’re considered an expert on wormbeds.
You’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.
You’re going up the highway and hear a kid ask his mom if he can get out and push their car too!
You’re having sex with your wife and she tells you, “That tickles.”
You’re home schooled and you date someone in your class.
You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You’re moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing “I Will Always Love You”.
You’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.
You’re on a date and you see a childhood friend and you tell your date “she is like my sister” and that makes her worried.
You’re on your third marriage and still have the same in-laws.
You’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”
You’re playing footie and you say “I hit my two best balls today… with a rake.”
You’re so stupid you called 411 to get the number for 911
You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You’re still upset that they canceled “The Dukes of Hazzard”.
You’re trying to start a 16 hp motor and your shed catches on fire.
You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You’re wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver’s license pic.
You’ve asked the preacher “How’s it hangin’?”
You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumbtack.
You’ve been too drunk to fish.
You’ve changed a diaper on a Denny’s table.
You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait and didn’t spit it out.
You’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
You’ve ever asked a priest why he’s wearing that sissy turtleneck.
You’ve ever asked an Amish guy on a horse and buggy if he thought he could out run your John Deer.
You’ve ever asked the preacher, “How’s it hangin?”
You’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.
You’ve ever attended a Gun and Knife show as a dealer.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.



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