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Tips for Moving South… Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, Have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

* Dogs love it when your friends come over.

* Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

* Dogs think you sing great.

* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

* Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.

* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

* Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

* Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

* Dogs love red meat.

* Anyone can get a good looking dog.

* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

* Dogs don’t shop.

* Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

* A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.

* Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

* A dog’s parents never visit.

* Dogs love long car trips.

* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

* Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.

* Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

* No dog ever bought Kenny G, Cher, or Barbra Streisand albums.

* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

* Dogs never criticize.

* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

* Dogs never expect gifts.

* Dogs don’t worry about germs.

* Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.

* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.

* Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

* Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

* You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.

* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

* Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

* Dogs aren’t catty.

* Dogs seldom outlive you.

1. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3. Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4. Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

5. Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

7. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

8. Do you kiss your cat on the lips?

9. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon?

10. Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

11. Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

12. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

13. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

14. Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

15. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

17. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

18. Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?

19. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

20. Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

21. Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?

22. Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?

23. When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

24. Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

25. Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

26. Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

27. At the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick out anything for yourself?

28. Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

29. Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?

30. Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

31. Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

32. Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

33. Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

34. Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way)

35. When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

36. Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

37. When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

38. Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to wife’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!

* Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

* You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

* Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Al Gore.

* Teeth and claw marks all over your now- empty bottles of Prozac.

* No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…

* Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.

* Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

* Rides in your car with its head out the window.

* She’s a dues- paid, card- carrying member of the Reform Party.

* You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N- E- E- D T- H- E- R- A- P- Y.

* Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.

* Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

* After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto- Puss.

* Sullen and overweight, your sunglasses- wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

* Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

* Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.



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