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John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. “I’ve got a problem,” says Buffy.

“What’s the matter?” asks John.

“Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges,” she tells him.

“What’s the picture of?” asks John.

“It’s of a big Rooster,” replies Buffy.

“All right,” says John, “I’ll come over and have a look.”

So he goes over to Buffy’s house and she shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, “For Pete’s sake – put the Cornflakes back in the Box!”

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.

I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, “I wonder why?”

The blonde replied, “Must be because the oil would suffocate them.”

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled around, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I… I… I didn’t pinch that girl!”

“Of course you didn’t,” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something – suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind – but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man – look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
Honest: Pathological liar
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama’s boy
Mature: Older than your father
Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Thoughtful: Says “Excuse me” when he farts


40-ish: 49
Adventurer: Has dated all your friends
Athletic: No chest
Average looking: Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk

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