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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”

* It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs, “Oh yes baby!”

* Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not.

* Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don’t spoil things by making snide remarks like, “I’ve seen bigger wangs on Hamsters.”

* It’s OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it’s not OK to pass gas.

* Don’t think you’re fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Saturday morning… Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” answers a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mummy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.”
After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Fred, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Fred that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh my god… And what about Uncle Fred?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s all dead too.”
There is a long pause, then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-5555?

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A: Three, if you slice them very thinly.



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