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MEN’S ADS

40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Watches a lot of NASCAR
Good looking: Arrogant
Very good looking: Dumb as a board
Honest: Pathological liar
Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama’s boy
Mature: Older than your father
Physically fit: Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Thoughtful: Says “Excuse me” when he farts

WOMEN’S ADS

40-ish: 49
Adventurer: Has dated all your friends
Athletic: No chest
Average looking: Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate: Sloppy drunk

1. Insert bulb and use as flashlight.

2. Fill with ink and use as bingo dabber.

3. Fill with Frosting and squeeze to decorate cake.

4. Use it as a decoration to hang from your rearview mirror.

5. Hang a dried out one inside an upside-down clay pot for an interesting bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase “ding dong.”

6. Nail it to the wall and use it for a coat rack.

7. In a pinch, poke extra holes in the end and replace shower nozzle.

8. Conversation piece on the coffee table (“Oh, that’s just Ronald when he was in his prime…”).

9. Redneck girl’s toothpick holder.

10. Dip it in candied apple glaze and make an all day sucker out of it.

11. Fill with Vicks and use as a nose inhaler.

12. Fill it up with plaster of Paris and use it as a microphone while singing the Lorena Bobbitt song.

13. Stick a Mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally, insert a spring in the bottom, and use as a Pez dispenser.

14. Soak in it Starch, let it dry, and use it as a dildo.

15. To induce vomiting.

16. Use it as a nozzle to provide a steady stream on your garden hose.

17. Nail it to the wall and hang your coffee mug on it.

Q. How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A. With a cabbage patch!

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Q: How do you know when your staying in a Redneck hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”



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