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Application for a Piece of Ass

Approved ( ) Yes ( ) No Tested For Aids? ( ) Yes ( ) No
Denied ( ) Yes ( ) No Physician_________________

* Name____________________________

* Address_______________________________

* Age_____

* Phone____________

* Social Security#______________________________

* Hair Color________
Real? ( ) Yes ( ) No

* Eye Color__________
Real? ( ) Yes ( ) No

* Dentures?
( ) Yes ( ) No

* Height_________

* Weight_________

* Waist Size_______

* Marital Status:
( ) Married
( ) Single
( ) Divorced
( ) Attached
( ) Cheating
( ) Other

* Chest or Bra Size_________________
Are they real? ( ) Yes ( ) No

* Are your nipples:
( ) Small
( ) Medium
( ) Large
( ) Pink
( ) Peach-colored
( ) Dark

* Do you like them:
( ) Sucked
( ) Chewed
( ) Kissed
( ) Caressed
( ) Squeezed
( ) None of the above
( ) Other_________

* Can you stay out late?
( ) Yes ( ) No
How Late?____
All Night____
Several Days?__

* Do you like to be screwed? ( ) Yes ( ) No
How often?__________

* Do you take it in the ass?
( ) Yes ( )No

* Do you like giving Oral Sex?
( ) Yes ( ) No
( ) Yes ( ) No

* Penis or Pussy Size:
( ) Microscopic
( ) Small
( ) Medium
( ) Large
( ) Extra Large
( ) Does it matter?

* Are you shaved?
( ) Yes ( ) No

* While Screwing do you:
( ) Faint
( ) Fart
( ) Cry
( ) Moan
( ) Hum
( ) Scream
( ) Whistle
( ) Yodel
( ) Scratch
( ) All of the above
( ) Just lay there
( ) Other__________________________

* When you come, Do you:
( ) Wiggle
( ) Wobble
( ) Twist
( ) Jerk
( ) Scream
( ) Moan
( ) Cry
( ) Other?________________________________________

* What kind of screw do you like?
( ) Fast
( ) Slow
( ) Super Fast
( ) All night
How many times_______

* How long do you screw at one interval?_________________________________

* Do you want to screw now?
( ) Yes ( ) No

* If you have screwed before, Give 2 References (Not Immediate Family)
o Name__________________________
o Name__________________________

* If the Application is favorable, what are your charges? If any?
For one night____________
One Hour___________
Muff Burger Special or Blow Job______________

* What credit card will you accept?
( ) Master Card
( ) Visa
( ) Sears
( ) JC Pennys
( ) Shell
( ) American Express
( ) Citicorp

* Do you have any pictures to attach?
( ) Yes ( ) No

I verify the Above Information is the Truth, So Help me God!!



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Q: Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?

A: Because he’s plugged into a woman!

You don’t know kudzu from kung fu.

You enjoy living in filth.

The only kind of grass you’ve seen is the kind you smoke.

You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.

The thought of eating scrapple doesn’t turn your stomach.

You talk real fast and charm real slow.

You think smog is a sky color.

You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.

You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.

Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father’s bedroom.

You think okra is a talk show host.

You can be surrounded by crime and “didn’t see a thing!!”

You didn’t know chickens laid eggs and cows produced milk.

You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.

You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You’ve never, ever, eaten okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don’t have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

You don’t know what applique is.

You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

You’ve never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

A. Cause it said concentrate.

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