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Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?

A: Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher said, “Class, today I am going to teach you about Custer’s Last Stand. For your homework tonight I want you to depict with a drawing the lesson I am about to give.” So the teacher goes on to relate the story of Custer’s Last Stand.

That evening at home, Little Johnny is stumped by his assignment. But all of a sudden, a light goes off in his head and he begins to draw his assignment. He is so inspired that he is convinced that he will get an “A” for the project.

The next day Little Johnny hands in his assignment and the teacher looks at it. Little Johnny had drawn a picture of a cow its head surrounded by a halo standing there praying and around the cow there were lots of Indian couples having sex.

The teacher was mortified. “Little Johnny! What is this!? I never talked about any of this yesterday!”

Little Johnny then said, “But weren’t Custer’s last words “Holy Cow!! Look at all those fucking Indians!”

Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented.”

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turnoff.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Chronologically challenged

At age 4 success is… … ..not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is… … ..having friends.
At age 16 success is… … ..having a driver’s license.
At age 20 success is… … ..having sex.
At age 35 success is… … ..having money.
At age 50 success is… … ..having money.
At age 60 success is… … ..having sex.
At age 70 success is… … ..having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is… … ..having friends.
At age 80 success is… … ..not peeing in your pants.

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