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A baby seal walks into a club…

Please take the following Manliness Assessment…..

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a. lovemaking
b. screwing
c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b. your blood-test results
c. five tequila slammers

3) You time your orgasm so that:

a. your partner climaxes first
b. you both climax simultaneously
c. you don’t miss SportsCenter

4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a. healthy, creative love-play
b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:

a. the best part of the experience
b. the second best part of the experience
c. $100 extra

6) Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a. no concern of yours
b. not a problem, she can join your gym
c. a conservative estimate

7) You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

a. a myth
b. an oxymoron
c. a moron

8) Foreplay is to sex as:

a. appetizer is to entree
b. primer is to paint
c. a line is to an amusement park ride

9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship:

a. “I hope we can still be friends”
b. “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep”
c. “Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU.”

10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b. is uptight and a waste of time
c. shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating the results:

If you answered “a” more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered “b” more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re more than a little confused.

If you answered “c” more than 7 times, “YOU DA MAN!”

A guy walked into the doctor’s surgery for an appointment. “Would you like to tell me your problem?” the pretty blonde receptionist asked. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.”

“It’s rather embarrassing,” the guy stammered. “You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.”

“Well, the doctor is very busy today,” the receptionist cooed, “but maybe I can squeeze you in.”

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says:

“Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out.
The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shit!”

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