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Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers!

1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).

2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriend’s friends unless you’re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.

3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.

4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a “slump”.

5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a “lull”.

6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.

7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.

8. Thou shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.

9. Thou shalt never admit to “hogging,” it is always “a temporary alcohol induced standards derating”.

10. Thou shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having “a good personality”.

11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.

12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.

13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.

14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor’s wife unless she covets back.

15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.” The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand. “Yes, Lily?”

“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”

“Very good. Thanks, Lily,” said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?

A: The road!

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