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For all you Moshes out there, an explanation to help you understand ‘woman-speak’

FINE: This is the word she uses to end an argument when she feels she is right and you need to shut up. Never use “Fine” to describe how she looks as this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It’s equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so its an even trade.
NOTHING: This actually means something and you should be on your toes. It’s usually used to describe the feeling she has of wanting to turn you inside out and upside down. It usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine.”
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in her getting upset over “Nothing” and end with the word “Fine.”
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means ‘I give up’ or ‘do what you want because I dont care.’ You’ll get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she’ll talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means that she thinks you’re an idiot at that moment and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
SOFT SIGH: Again, this is a nonverbal statement, not a word and means that she’s content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe and she’ll stay content.
THATS OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that she can make to you and means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you’ve done. It’s often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”
GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you’re going to be in some serious trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it’s an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you’ve done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldnt get a “Thats OK.”
THANKS: She is thanking you. Don’t faint. Just say ‘youre welcome.’
THANKS A LOT: This is very different to “Thanks.” She will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she’s really ticked off at you. It signifies that you’ve offended her in some callous way and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

For all you Sadies out there, an explanation to help you understand ‘man-speak’

ITS A GUY THING: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with this and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?: What he really wanted to say was, “Why isnt dinner already on the table?”
UH HUH; SURE, HONEY; OR YES, DEAR: This is a conditioned response and means absolutely nothing.
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN: This is another way of saying, “I have no idea how it works.”
I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. ITS JUST THAT I’VE THINGS ON MY MIND: What this really means is, “I wasn’t listening to you because I was wondering if that blond over there was wearing a bra.”
TAKE A BREAK DARLING, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD: What he really wanted to say was, “I cant hear the football match on the TV. Please turn off the vacuum cleaner.”
THATS INTERESTING, DEAR: This is another way of saying, “Are you still talking?”
YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS: This means, “I remember all the words to My Way; the name of the first girl I kissed; and the registration numbers of every car Ive owned – but I forgot your birthday.”
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS: This really means, “The girl selling flowers on the corner was a real beauty, so I bought some from her.”
HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING: But what he didn’t add was, “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?: What he really wanted to say was, “What did you catch me at this time?”
I HEARD YOU: What this means is, “I havent the foggiest clue what you just said and I’m hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE: This really means, “I’m used to the way you shout at me, and I realise it could be worse.”
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC: What he really wanted to say was, “Please dont try on one more outfit, Im absolutely starving.”

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde’s new car. Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them. The blonde then puts her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette fearing for her life, asks, “What are you doing that for?!” The blonde calmly replied, “I’m trying to blow on the horn!”

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonds eyes?

A: Shine a flash light through her ear.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!!

There’s this couple. He’s 87 and she’s 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He’s in the bathroom sprucing himself up.

She waits.. and waits.. ’til she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.

She giggles, “Honey, what are you doing? I’m 86 years old and can’t get pregnant anymore.”

He looks up at her and says, “I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis.”

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