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* Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
* If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films ended with a scream and a flush.
* Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
* Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
* All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
* Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
* All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
* A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
* Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
* Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
* Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
* Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
* Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
* Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
* Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
* If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he’s serious.
* Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
* When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
* Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
* Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie ‘The Way We Were’ twice, voluntarily.
* Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
* Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
* Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
* Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
* When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
* Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
* Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
* Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

A: So that when you pull their tits, they don’t moo.

• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
• An apology without flowers is not an apology.
• The female may change her mind at any time.
• The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
• The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.
• The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women’s time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober…

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

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