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Wife: “Why can’t my mother move in with us?”

Husband: “Because the Bible says I can’t!”

Wife: “Show me where it says that!”

Husband: “Right here, see. No man can serve two masters!”

Q: What did the blond say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
A: Oh! look donut seeds

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like “cunt” and “cock” scrawled all over the blackboard.
“Children,” she said, addressing the classroom, “you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we’re all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them.”
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, “All right. Everybody open their eyes.”
All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: “Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!”

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.
Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum.
Suzie asked, “You wanna play doctor?”
Johnny replied, “NO, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president.”

“Mommy, where do babies come from?”
Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow,” the girl exclaims, “my daddy can do ANYTHING!”

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mommy?”
Mommy replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Mommy, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mommy, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” Mommy tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why’s the groom wearing black?”

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