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A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, “Do you want to play magic?”

“What’s that?” she replies.

Grinning a little, he continues, “You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear.”

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you
thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

Q: What’s the difference between women and men?
A: One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The policeman said, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Well, ’cause you ain’t from here! We can tell!
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in ‘big ol truck’ or ‘big ol boy’.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. “Dang it, it sure is cold out, y’all!”
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’!”, is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y’all! Ack!

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