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Q: What’s the best way to always remember your wife’s birthday?
A: Forget it just the once.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife’s adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.
The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. “I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys.”
“Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don’t want to sell you THAT.” replied the clerk.
“Let me see it anyway!” Answered the man.
The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.
“That’s not special!” cried the man.
“Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR.” The dick in the box got up and began to hump the door.
“I’ll take that, but how do you get it to stop?”
The salesclerk sold him the voodoo dick, then, said simply “Voodoo dick? The box.”
So the man took voodoo dick back home to his wife and showed her how to get it to hump something. Then, he left for a trip.
The wife waited and waited and waited, but she couldn’t stand her urges. She took out the voodoo dick and said “voodoo dick? My…” well, we know what she said. So, it was the best she had ever known, and she kept at it for about 3 hours. Then, she wanted it out. She pulled and pulled, but in vain, for her husband had forgotten to tell her about the little box trick. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to get it out. She drove kind of wacky, well, because there was something in her. Finally, a police man pulled her over for her driving.
“But… ” She told the police man of the voodoo dick, to get out of the ticket.
He laughed at her foolish story. “Voodoo dick my ass!” he cried…

A blond walkes in to a docters office and askes the docter if she could have a condom for safe sex , the docter said “watch your mouth” the blond said better make that two.

In praise of women over 55

* A woman over 55 won’t wake you in the middle of the night and ask, “So what are you thinking of?” She doesnt care what you’re thinking of.
* A woman over 55 doesn’t care what you might think of her. She is supremely confident. She knows who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
* A woman over 55 is dignified. She seldom argues with you loudly when you’re out with friends, or when you’re in an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, you’ll cop it when you return home.
* A woman over 55 is generous with her praise, often undeserved, because she has experience of what it was like to be unappreciated.
* Although women get psychic as they age, you’ll never need to confess your sins to a woman over 55. She always knows.
* A woman over 55 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
* Once you get past a few unimportant wrinkles, a woman over 55 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
* A woman over 55 is forthright and honest. She’ll tell you straight away when you start to act like a jerk. You wont ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Most elderly men praise women over 55 for all the above reasons and more. Unfortunately, its not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smartly dressed, well made up woman over 55, there’s a bald, paunchy, tired-looking man making a fool of himself flirting with some young waitress.

© 2015