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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmmm, this person looks familiar.”

The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”

So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, “You dumb ass, it’s me!”

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.
The druggist says, “How old are you, son?”
The kid replies, “Eleven.”
“I can’t sell you any condoms,” the druggist says. “You’re too young.”
The kid says, “Gimme some rubbers or I’ll call a cop.”
“All right, cool it,” the druggists says to the kid. “What kind of condoms do you want?”
The kid tells him, “Gimme the French ticklers.”
The druggist says, “Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?”
“No,” the kid replies, “but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this
sensitive and frank “question and answer” format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you’ve ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming
should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start – and that’s in a bar. That’s
right, go to a bar… preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting – it’s best to stay away from the shallow
“pretty boys” in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He’ll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right?
A: Unfortunately, there’s no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different
kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don’t admit it, men are often shy – so it’s
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don’t be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple “hello”, followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks –
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man’s married?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you’re a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn’t understand him and he’s thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he’ll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they’re not confused emotionally as virgins. It’s a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he’ll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left
out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

Q: What is “afterplay”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm?
A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, “Do you live here?”

“Yesh,” the man slowly replied.

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” the father asked.

“Yesh,” the man slowly sputtered.

When they got up on the second floor he asked, “Is this your floor?”

“Yesh,” again the man replied.

Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.

But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man, “Do you live here?”

“Yesh.”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yesh.”

So he did and put him in the same door with the first tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.

So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, “For God’s sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He’sh been doing nothing all night long but takin’ me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”



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