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Q: Why can’t blonds water ski?

A: When ever they get wet they lay down and spread there legs.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?

A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

THE HEAD — Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential parts:

EARS — Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a child’s utterings- i.e. “you suck!”, even when spoken under the breath and in another room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of “Hootie and the Blowfish” when preparing dinner.

EYES — Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the all-powerful “eyes at the back of the head” tool). Expression should be soft and gentle, yet capable of “shooting bullets” at appropriate times. I, on occasion, use the “I will turn your little butt to salt right here” look in times of extreme stress.

NOSE — Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not found the “bigger is better” theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually “scent” the time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once- completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt, rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.

MOUTH — Not quite so large as Rush Limbaugh’s (God forbid), nor so small as Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when “mother” is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be used to insult, demean or humiliate the child. Anger is all right, but verbal abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit down to eat a full meal at one time- “mom, I need this done now”, “mom can you take me here now”, “mom where is my….,” “mom, come here and look at this!” and the dreaded, “oops…Oh God…..MOM!!!!!”

SHOULDERS — The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn’t matter, as long as they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often during High School.

BREASTS — Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the human body are there for one reason, and one reason only – Milk Machines! They were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy are they handy! Now I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided, just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate, then my work as ‘Semi-Super Woman’ would be done.

STOMACH — This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971. Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can change dramatically from woman to woman after having a child. I, myself, developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see. Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there’s not a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund).

Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although he couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.

Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. “Things don’t seem to be working out any better,” Don remarked. “Why don’t you just move out?”

“Well, if you really want to know the truth,” Roger explained, “she makes such a damn good neighbor.”



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