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A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.

The bartender says “Your monkey just ate the cue-ball! GET OUT NOW!” so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.

The bartender says ” Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?”

The man says “Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size”

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.

Q: Why is a man like a diaper?
A: Because they are always on your ass, and they are usually full of shit.

* Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
* If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films ended with a scream and a flush.
* Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
* Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
* All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
* Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
* All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
* A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
* Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
* Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
* Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
* Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
* Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
* Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
* Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
* If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he’s serious.
* Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
* When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
* Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
* Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie ‘The Way We Were’ twice, voluntarily.
* Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
* Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
* Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
* Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
* When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
* Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
* Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
* Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

A: So that when you pull their tits, they don’t moo.



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