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It seems a gentleman had too much to drink at a party. As he was heading home, he was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

“Are you Mr. Black?” the asked?

He admitted that he was.

“Were you pulled over at Edgemont last night for driving under the influence?”

Again, the man admitted that he was.

“And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.” The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

“Where is your car now?” the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

“May we see the car?” asked the troopers.

The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.

Inside was the state trooper’s car.

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

“I’d like a box of birdseed,” said the lady.

“For which kind of bird?” he asked helpfully.

“Oh, I dunno,” she replied. “Whichever will grow the fastest.”

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”

The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone “Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts “Clumsy bitch.”

When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with my kids,
and make them so happy, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they’ll be so excited.

I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they’ll shout.

When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I’ll hide under the bed.

When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table
and when they get angry, run fast as I’m able.

I’ll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.

And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan. “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping.”

Q: What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.



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