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One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” – “It depends,” she replied, “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “Texas A & M.”

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother who lived a couple of hours away.

“How did everything go?” her mom asked.

“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”

“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”

“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset…. Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like shit.”

The little old lady said, “It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets
himself to the doctor. He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.”
The doc said , “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and
wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever
saw them. She says, “You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts.” He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, “Look at
this, it’s still in the CRATE!”



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