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One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to start it.”

Her friend asks, “What is it a puzzle of?”

The blonde says, “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

The blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.

She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: “First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.”

The blonde frowns.

He continues, “Second, I’d advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands.

“My husband’s losing his mind,” one lady said. “Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed.”

“That sounds exciting,” the other lady said.

“Exciting, hell,” the first old lady said. “The way my husband’s thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea.”

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender “I’ll have a pint of Bud please”
and the second donkey says “hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that”

There was this gorgeous blonde going to Jamaica. She boarded the airplane and chose a seat at the front.

The stewardess went around checking the tickets an saw she was in the wrong seat and section.

The stewardess said, “Excuse me ma’am. You are in the wrong section and seat. You are supposed to be in coach, not first class.”

The lady looked up at her and said, “LOOK, I am a gorgeous blonde with beautiful blue eyes and a figure to die for. I am on vacation and you will not get me to move.”

So the stewardess moved on and came back to her again a bit later. The blonde continued her her arguement and proceeded to tell her how perfect she was.

The stewardess, at the point of exasperation, then went and got the head stewardess to handle the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her, “Look, I am tall, long-legged, gorgeous blonde hair, deep blue eyes and a body to kill for. I am on vacation, I am going to Jamaica and I am not moving.”

The head stewardess realized she had a standoff and went to the cockpit and spoke to the pilot.

He decided to pay the blonde a visit. “How are you doing today, ma’am?” he asked.

“I AM NOT MOVING,” she said.

So the pilot reached down and whispered something in her ear. She jumped up–boy was she ever pissed–gathered all her things and went to the back to her seat in coach.

The two stewardesses were puzzled. “What ever did you say to her to make her move? We tried everything.”

“I told her the front of the plane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. “What’s wrong?”

The depressed one replied, “I’ve been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away.”

The other lady asked, “What did they used to do?”

The depressed lady replied, “Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician.”

And the other said, “Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

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