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Q: How do you know when a redneck isn’t wearing any underwear?
A: There’s dandruff on his/her shoes.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
8. When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
9. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
10. You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
11. You understand why the movie “Stripes” is funny.
12. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
13. The garage is all yours.
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
15. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
16. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
17. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
18. The National College Cheer leading Championship.
19. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
20. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
21. Everything on your face stays its original color.
22. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
23. Flowers fix everything.
24. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
25. Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
26. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
27. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
28. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
29. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
30. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
31. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
32. One mood, all the time.
33. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
34. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
35. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
36. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
37. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
38. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
39. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
40. The remote is yours and yours alone.
41. ESPN’s Sports Center.
42. Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
43. You don’t need to pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
44. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
45. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
46. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
47. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
48. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
49. Baywatch.
50. There is always a game on somewhere.

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks “What for?”
She says “I want to kill my husband”.
He says “Sorry, I can’t do that.”
She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription… “

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
“It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.”

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.”

The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word.”

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.”

“And what word would that be?” inquires the man.

“Comfortable,” replies the brunette.

The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?”

The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”

© 2015