Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
A: So men can tell if they are coming or going.

I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.

I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories… over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care..

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, politicians…

I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uh….

I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m in the initial state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP…

I’m wondering if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 50?

I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the storeroom.

I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life!

I’ve got trouble with the wife again – she came into the bar
looking for me and I asked for her number.

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday
surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop
rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

“What color?” they asked. He settled for white.

“How much does it cost?” he asked. “Twenty dollars.”
“Very good,” he thought. All that remained was
the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea.

“Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?
Grape fruits? Oranges?”

“No,” he said, “nothing like that.”

“Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s
bust resembles.”

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said,
“Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?”

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________

SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________

If NO, please explain ____________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________

____________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed? _______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________

A tattoo? _______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often you attend __________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

priest? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

_________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).



© 2015 ijokedb.com