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If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8′s and cinderblocks.
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”
If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.
If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
If your baseball cap reads “DEC” instead of “CAT.”
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.
If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
If you’ve ever been to “http://www.hee-haw.com.”
If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Someone tells ya they’re “locked up” and ya ask if they need bail money.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, “Come OOOOOOON Betsy.”
When you have 17 different versions of DOOM, but you still can’t write your name.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.
When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
When your friends comment on your “nice boots” and you say “Yea, thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.”
When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
When your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.
When you’re honked off at your computer warranty because it doesn’t cover damage from “Bovine Saliva.”
When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya catch yerself tryin’ to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer “A Drive” yelling ‘Give it back! Give it Back’.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won’t pick up police radio calls.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom’s.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol’ lady.
Ya see the “shift” key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya see the werd “Zip” and know why youz feelin’ a draft.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya sees the word “Refresh” and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba’s.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya think GIF stands fer “Goodie It’s Free.”
Ya think IBM stands for “Idn’t Betsy Marvelous.”
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think MB stands for “More Beer.”
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol’ lady disappear.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o’ candy.
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think the “A drive” is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin’ organization.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin’ bin.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain’t wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya’ve ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, “My momma.”
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Yer yards full of ol’ computers stacked on cinder blocks.
You sees the word “Website” and start looking for spiders.
You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.

* They don’t scream if you twist them too hard.

* They don’t get drunk and throw up in your bed.

* They are always good.

* They go away when you want them too.

* Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

* Don’t have to worry about the last person who ate one.

* It’s always fun to swallow.

* They never talk.

* When it makes a mess in your bed, it’s easy to clean.

* The creamy white stuff tastes good.

Q: What’s the difference between women and men?
A: One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said
politely.”

“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband
pretty upset.”

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
“Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief, “But what happened to your other ear?”
“The son of a bitch called back.”



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