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John received a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. “I’ve got a problem,” said Buffy.
“What’s the matter?” asked John.
“Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”
“What’s the picture of?” asked John.
“It’s of a big Rooster,” replied Buffy.
“All right,” said John, “I’ll come over and have a look.”
So he went over to Buffy’s house and Buffy greeted him saying, “Thanks for coming over.”
Buffy lead John into her kitchen and showed him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looked at the jigsaw and then turned to Buffy and said, “For Pete’s sake – put the Corn Flakes back in the Box.”

Q: What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?
A: Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking, and then next thing you know your house is gone!

Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Perpetual Munching Spree

Puffy Mid Section

People Make Me Sick

Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

Pimples May Surface

Pass My Sweatpants

Pathetic Mood Syndrome

Plainly; Men Suck

Pack My Stuff

Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

When I was very little
All the Grandmas that I knew
All walked around this world
In ugly grandma shoes.

You know the ones I speak of,
those black clunky heeled kind,
They just looked so very awful
That it weighed upon my mind,

For I knew, when I grew old .
I’d have to wear those shoes,
I’d think of that, from time to time
It seemed like such bad news.

I never was a rebel,
I wore saddle shoes to school,
And next came ballerinas
Then the sandals, pretty cool.

And then came spikes with pointed toes
Then platforms, very tall,
As each new fashion came along
I wore them, one and all.

But always, in the distance,
Looming in my future, there,
Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,
The kind that Grandmas wear.

I eventually got married
And then I became a Mom
Our kids grew up and left,
And when their children came along,

I knew I was a Grandma
And the time was drawing near
When those clunky, black, old lace up shoes
Was what I’d have to wear.

How would I do my gardening
Or take my morning hike?
I couldn’t even think about
How I would ride my bike!

But fashions kept evolving
And one day I realized
That the shape of things to come
Was changing, right before my eyes.

And now, when I go shopping
What I see, fills me with glee
For, in my jeans and Reeboks
I’m as comfy as can be.

And I look at all these teenage girls
And there, upon their feet
Are clunky, black, old Grandma shoes,
And they really think they’re neat.

A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.

Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, “What Are You Doing?”

She responds, “Duh, I’m winning.”

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