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She was soooooo blonde, she baked a turkey for five days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don’t know any better.

* “Sure you’ll get your figure back … we’ll just search 1985 where you left it.”

* “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”

* “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”

* “Hey, when you’re finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?”

* “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”

* “I finished the Oreos.”

* “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”

* “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!!”

* “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

* “Well, couldn’t they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”

* “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

* “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

* “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”

* “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”

* “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

* “Get your *own* ice cream.”

* “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

* “Got milk?”

* “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

* “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

* “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam…”

* “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger…”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”

“What do you mean? I’m fine.”

“What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”

“Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

“We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really.”

“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

“One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird crap!”

“Well, I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

I’ll never forget the first time I saw my husband, He was standing on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze, and he too proud to run after it.

© 2015