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They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self defense.

Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!

Q: Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
A: Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force Wing General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

* If she says she is a virgin that doesn’t mean she is from a state in the South.

* Silence doesn’t mean your performance leaves her speechless.

* If you’re going to call out a name make sure it’s the right one.

* Choking the chicken is not something done at farms.

* Spanking the monkey is not something done at zoos.

* No one in junior high is 18, even if they’re wearing a lot of make-up.

* You don’t need a passport to French kiss.

* If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask it does not mean that it is Halloween.

* Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.

* Spermicide is not made by Raid.

* The clap doesn’t mean she is applauding your performance.

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