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Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt.

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don’t drive in circles at any cost,
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost.

Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys…
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys…

You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you’re two hours late.

I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.
I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch
And just cause I’m assertive, don’t call me a bitch.

I don’t wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don’t go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don’t cheat at poker, I follow the rules.

I don’t smoke cigars.
Don’t pay for drinks at bars.
I don’t punch my friends just to say “Hi”
And it’s o.k. for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you’re “IT”,
But compared to a woman
You just ain’t SHIT!

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down outside a bar on the street curb.

A police officer watched him closely. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the police and asked, “Hey, Mr. Policeman, what causes arthritis?”

The policeman responded, “It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be darn,” the drunk said, returning to his paper.

The police officer, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man with his night stick and apologized.

“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Mr. Policeman. I was just reading here that the chief of police does”.

Q: What did the blonde’s mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
A: “Just flush it like everybody else does.”

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