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A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy.”
“What did you do?” the mother asked.
“I hit him with my purse!”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door.
“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

Mr. Smith says, “What do you mean?”

The receptionist replies, “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”

Mr Smith exclaims, “That’s terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”

The receptionist calmly replies, “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t go to bed with her.”

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your land speeder.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
There is anyone named Cletus in your family.
There is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car.
There is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
There is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.
There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve to hit it.
There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
There’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
There’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
Think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
Think foot ball is kicking someone in the balls
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
Tonight’s supper was too slow crossing the road this morning
Truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
When finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn’t know was there.
When someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
When you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.
When you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you’re gonna “fix it up a little”
When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is you can lose them or not.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
When you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.
When you walk your dog you both use the same tree.
When you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
When you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

Q: What breaks when you say it?
A: Silence!

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