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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But… I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function’s. One seventy year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine!” he replied.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

Dear Son:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It’s not hard to meet expenses …they’re everywhere.
11. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter …I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.



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