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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”

The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”

“Well, we can sure try!” she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.

“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full…of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans…we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves…and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself…and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions — what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, “It’s my birthday today and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink. In fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, “I guess I should buy you a drink too.”
The 80 year-old woman says, “Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”
“Alright” says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, “Since I’m the only one around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too.”
The old woman says, “Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”
“Comin’ right up” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?”
The woman replies, “Sonny, you learn that when you’re my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water!”



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