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In the dim and distant past
When life’s tempo wasn’t so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she’s in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She’s checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma’s off her rocker.

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Out in the midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning…
In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
“It was the darndest thing… it was the darndest thing,” she kept repeating.
“What was the darndest thing, Ma’am?” asked one of the rescuers.
“I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole darned house suddenly just drained away.”

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we?”

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.”

A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of his presence.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died.”
Although amused at the woman’s cleverness, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”
This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over for a few seconds. “In that case,” she says, “let it read, ‘Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale.’”



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