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A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, “It’s my birthday today and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”
The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink. In fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, “I guess I should buy you a drink too.”
The 80 year-old woman says, “Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”
“Alright” says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, “Since I’m the only one around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too.”
The old woman says, “Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”
“Comin’ right up” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?”
The woman replies, “Sonny, you learn that when you’re my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water!”

The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”

The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”

“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”

“You can go home and forget about it!”

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s HIS turn with the teeth.”

A older woman down south goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is properly written. (She had always been known for her accuracy to details, second only to her famous sense of thrift.) Only his beloved pickup truck remained to remind her of his presence.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died.”
Although amused at the woman’s cleverness, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”
This causes her to become only a little flustered, so she thinks things over for a few seconds. “In that case,” she says, “let it read, ‘Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale.’”

Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting.

The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young coeds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting.

The third retiree began his story, “I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I knew I couldn’t take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could.” The old man paused. “You talk about excitement,” he continued, “I was in the wrong damn room!”



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