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Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both”.
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don’t care where your spouse goes just as long as you don’t have to go.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
“Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.
An “all nighter” means not getting up to go pee.

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
“They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.
“At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night – Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
“My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall.

I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn’t understand.

Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.



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