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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh No! Am I driving?”

A woman out for a walk, noticed this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approached him.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing!” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six,” he replied.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dfispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”

Q: What’s the most useless thing in Grandma’s house?
A: Grandpa’s thing.

Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other, “How’s your Paddy holding up in bed these days?”

The second old lady replied, “He makes me feel like an exercise bike.”

“How’s that?”

“He climbs on and starts pumping away but we never get anywhere!”



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