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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said: “You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks….
“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“And my dearest, Donald,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”

When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with my kids,
and make them so happy, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they’ll be so excited.

I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they’ll shout.

When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I’ll hide under the bed.

When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table
and when they get angry, run fast as I’m able.

I’ll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.

And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan. “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping.”

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
“Well, Your Honor,” she replied coolly. “I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!”

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”



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