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The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
“Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“86.”
“Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world.”
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. “It’s easy. I just outlived them.”

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we?”

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.”

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style? …it makes your nose look too long.”

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both”.
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don’t care where your spouse goes just as long as you don’t have to go.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
“Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.
An “all nighter” means not getting up to go pee.



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