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Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, “Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?”

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

“Well,” asked Mrs. Silver, “is she all right?”

“She’s fine, except that she’s pissed at you.”

“At me?” the woman exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

“She said ‘It’s none of your business how old she is,’” snickered Timmy.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But… I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function’s. One seventy year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine!” he replied.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”



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