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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily function’s. One seventy year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine!” he replied.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

Dear Son:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It’s not hard to meet expenses …they’re everywhere.
11. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter …I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it.

He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.

She said to her friend, “There ain’t no justice in this world.” Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: “When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I’m too old to squat!!!”



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