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An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “Simple, I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn’t want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard.

The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he’s changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home.

The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomizes the old man.

The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.

“But yesterday you told me you loved it there..” says the son.

“Yeah, but you don’t understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day.”

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: “It makes you feel young again.”

John looks at Sylvester and says, “We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!”

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, “Well John, do you feel young yet?”

“No,” replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, “John, do you feel younger?”

“No,” replies John, “but I sure did a childish thing!”



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