Joke's Database
ijokedb.com for sale, click here for price and more info.
     
Have fun searching 100252 jokes and pictures!


From a Washington Post Report , in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:

Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn’t have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn’t have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Wen I was your age, we didn’t have fake doggie-doo. We only had real doggie-doo, and no one thought it was even a bit funny.
(Brendan Bassett, Columbia)

Back in the 1970s we didn’t have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn’t have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we’re all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

In my day, we didn’t have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)

In my day, we didn’t have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy.
(Bruce Evans, Washington)

Back in my day, ’60 Minutes’ wasn’t just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys.
(Russell Beland, Springfield, Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. In-line skates and a walker.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said: “You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks….
“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“And my dearest, Donald,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”

When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with my kids,
and make them so happy, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they’ll be so excited.

I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they’ll shout.

When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I’ll hide under the bed.

When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table
and when they get angry, run fast as I’m able.

I’ll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.

And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan. “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping.”

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
“Well, Your Honor,” she replied coolly. “I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com