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The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”

The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”

“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”

“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”

“You can go home and forget about it!”

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Opened a can of peas instead.”

When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.

I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!

I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.

I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they’ll shout!

When they’re on the phone
and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things
like sugar and bleach,

Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I’ll hide under the bed!

When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.

I’ll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I’ll run… if I’m able!

I’ll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.

I’ll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
’til the end of the day!

And later in bed,
I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
“She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”

Q: What’s the most useless thing in Grandma’s house?
A: Grandpa’s thing.

Baby boom anthems re-released with new lyrics suitable for an aging audience.

The Beatles – “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”

Carly Simon – “You’re So Varicose Vein”

The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”

Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”

Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

Procol Harem – “A Whiter Shade of Hair”

Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”

The Rolling Stones – “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”

The Who – “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication”

The Troggs – “Bald Thing”

The Doors – “Hello, I love you. Won’t you tell me my name.”

© 2015