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Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand—I’m not old—I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer—can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit…not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old…I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray…saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for…not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer…get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches…not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older…much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles…for sure,
But don’t call me old…just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take…your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running…in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old … I’m only mature.

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both”.
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don’t care where your spouse goes just as long as you don’t have to go.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
“Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.
An “all nighter” means not getting up to go pee.

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
“They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.
“At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night – Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
“My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall.

I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn’t understand.

Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!



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