Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dfispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.

“The food and service were great!” he said.

His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”

“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”

“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.

“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, “What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and then said, “One that will fit a Camel!”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com