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Remember that old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.
I’ve become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life, since then. Frankly, I’ve become quite a frivolous old girl! I’m seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he’s here he takes a lot of my attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am – in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself, “NOW, WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?”

Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence had been noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door, and being that she’s nearly 85, it took her a bit to get to the door.
“Hello, who is it?” she asked.
“It’s Pastor Smith,” he answered.
“OH Hi — Come in, Come in, how’s the ministry doing?” she said.
“Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met.”
“Oh honey, I haven’t felt well lately but I’m getting better.”
Just then, the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old Reader’s Digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.
Right then, Mrs. Jones returned and said, “Oh, I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.”
The pastor, feeling a little embarrassed, said, “I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me,” he said.
Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s OK, anymore all I can do is just suck the chocolate off of them!”

When I’m an old lady,
I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…
just as they did.

I want to pay back
all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed.
Oh, they’ll be so excited!

I’ll write on the wall
with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture
wearing my shoes.

I’ll drink from the carton
and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets
and oh, how they’ll shout!

When they’re on the phone
and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things
like sugar and bleach,

Oh, they’ll snap their fingers
and then shake their head,
And when that is done
I’ll hide under the bed!

When they cook dinner
and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans
or salad or meat.

I’ll gag on my okra,
spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry
I’ll run… if I’m able!

I’ll sit close to the TV,
through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes
just to see if they stick.

I’ll take off my socks
and throw one away,
And play in the mud
’til the end of the day!

And later in bed,
I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer
and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down
with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
“She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s HIS turn with the teeth.”

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. “Hardly worth going home, isn’t it?”

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