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A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: “Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!”

The grandson moaned: “Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o’clock in the morning, and you’ll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you’re 82 years old, and third, that’s MY dick you’re holding… not yours.”

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

In the dim and distant past
When life’s tempo wasn’t so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she’s in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She’s checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma’s off her rocker.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

you’re not a kid anymore when…

You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
You enjoy watching the news.
The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
People ask what color your hair USED to be.
You’re proud of your lawnmower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style–TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in”.
You don’t remember when you got that mole…or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You answer a question with “Because I said so!”
Others ask for your recipes.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You don’t like to drive after dark.
You say the words “Turn that music down!”
You wear black socks with sandals.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.



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