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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I`ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, “You’re having an anniversary soon, right?”

The other replied, “Yup, a big one … 20 years.”

“Wow,” said the other. “What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?”

The other replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.”

“Wow, Australia, that’s some gift!” said the other man. “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?”

“Oh, I’ll probably go back and get her.”

* Old Yeller
o “You spineless, good-for-nothing, drag-ass, no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?!”
o Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
o Advantages: Pays attention to you
o Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

* The Bosser
o “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
o Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-It-All, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
o Advantages: Often right
o Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

* Wild Woman Out of Control
o “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
o Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
o Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
o Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

* Huffy
o “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
o Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
o Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
o Disadvantages: You will have no friends

* Woman From Mars
o “I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
o Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
o Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
o Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

* Ms. Dreamgirl
o “I am utterly content with my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now.”
o Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
o Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
o Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750”
Man – “Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again, you’re in my closet now.”

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