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On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:
Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?
Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.
The guy thinks for a minute and says:
Well, what about the last date?

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?”
The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
The woman was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.” They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?”
To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

SWM – Single White Male – looking for SWF – Object — walks, good conversation, cultural outings and wearing each others’ behinds as hats. Please, no kooks. Box 7464.

You, at the cafeteria dessert bar slipping a couple creme caramels into your brassiere; me, at the buffet table, nonchalantly tossing a few croutons in the air and catching them in my mouth just to get your attention, followed by grapes, Swedish meatballs, and a leg of lamb. When I came to, you were gone. Call me. I think there was something special there. Box 9867.

Drop Dead Gorgeous redhead, Christy, wants to meet man with large wallet. Object — him dropping dead. Sincere. Box 4942. Ask for Hank.

SWMSTOSOG – Single White Male Siamese Twins, One Straight One Gay – desperately seeking SWFSTOSOWTUGR – Single White Female Siamese Twins, One Straight One Willing To Undergo Gender Reallocation. Straight one must be on my right, her left — or willing to stand on head. Must be Baptist. Box 3755.

SWMWH – Single White Male With Hump – also huge hairy warts, mismatched legs, crab-like walk, oozing sores and speech impimbimimnt, Republican, looking for SWS – Single White Supermodel – must be staunch NRA supporter. Object — just maybe parent future president of U.S. of A. Leave partics along with recent photo at foot of bell tower. No freaks.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

“Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $275 a week.”

“That’s very nice, your honour,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks, myself.”

© 2015