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Chronologically challenged

At age 4 success is… … ..not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is… … ..having friends.
At age 16 success is… … ..having a driver’s license.
At age 20 success is… … ..having sex.
At age 35 success is… … ..having money.
At age 50 success is… … ..having money.
At age 60 success is… … ..having sex.
At age 70 success is… … ..having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is… … ..having friends.
At age 80 success is… … ..not peeing in your pants.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A. The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around, she realized that all the pets were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. “I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive, ” she said.

“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?”

“$50.00?! For a frog?!!” asked the woman.

The clerk explained, “It’s a special frog. It gives blow jobs.”

Well, the woman didn’t particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he’d surely enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again! The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was skeptical, but said for sure he’d try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night, relieved knowing that she’d never have to give another blow job.

Around two in the morning, she woke to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. “What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” she asked.

The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!”

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