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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter says, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, however, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big – what kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”

Peter asks the first guy, “How long were you married?”

The first guy says, “Twenty-four years.”

“Did you ever cheat on your wife?” Peter asks.

The guy says, “Yeah, seven times… but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter says, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. He answers, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good.”

Peter says, “I’m pleased to hear that; Here’s a Lincoln.”

The third guy walks up and says, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter says, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.

When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what’s wrong, he says, “I just saw my wife… she was on a skateboard!”

Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

His wife has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.

When she came to, she motioned for him to come closer. As he sat by her, she said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell apart, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there to give me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, you’re a DAMN JINX!”

Seven reasons why God Created Eve

1. God was worried that Adam, being alone, would regularly get lost in the garden of Eden because he refused to ask for directions
2. God knew right from the start that Adam would eventually need someone to find the remote and then hand it to him
3. God knew that Adam didn’t have any idea how to choose the latest style of fig leaf when his old one wore out. He would therefore need someone to choose one for him
4. God knew that Adam would never be able to make an appointment with a doctor, dentist or hairdresser all by himself
5. God knew that Adam was having difficulty in remembering which days he needed to put the recyclable rubbish in the ‘green’ bin
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, Adam would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing
7. When God finished creating Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that.”

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her
husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.”
“My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.”
“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”
He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”
“In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t
forget to give this letter to George.'”

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