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When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is though he turned out to be a problem child!

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle

Money Spent:
$20.00 for oil change,
$1.00 for coffee

Total: $21.00

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to O’Reilly’s auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly recycle. Dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from Step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer
39. Beer
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty little to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail; Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50.00 Parts,
$25.00 beer,
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!!!),
$1,000.00 Bail,
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1350.00

A girl runs home to her mother crying, “I can’t marry Joe! He’s an
atheist! He doesn’t believe in God or Jesus or anything! “Don’t worry,
Honey,” said her mom. “But Mom, he doesn’t even believe in Hell! “Don’t
worry, Honey,” repeated her mom, “you marry him… and we’ll convince him!”

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”
She did and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me.”
So, KAZAM – she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, ” That’s okay because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!

The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish.
She said, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Moishe and Bernie were in court and standing before the judge.
“Why can’t this case be settled out of court?” the judge asked.
Moishe looked up at the judge and said, “That’s what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered.”

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