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Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

* I would have talked less and listened more.
* I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
* I would have eaten snacks in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come in wearing shoes.
* I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.
* I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just been styled and sprayed.
* I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
* I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
* I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching real life.
* I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren’t there for the day.
* Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
* When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later, now go get washed up for dinner.”
* There would have been more “I love you”… more “I’m sorry”… but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute… look at it and really see it… live it… and never give it back.
* I would tell all my friends that I need and love them and that my life would be empty without them!

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling from the marriage therapist to see if their union could be saved.
The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folks were absolutely determined to go through with the separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said: “But you’re 95 and your wife is 93. You’ve been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now?”
To which the wife replied: “We haven’t been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.”

Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked God if they could have a talk. God replied, sure your my son and I love you can ask me anything.
So Adam asked, God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset… But I look at Eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away… Why God, did you make eve so beautiful? God replied, my son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her, Adam replied well, it worked but I have another question… I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops… God, why did you make her that way?
God replied well Adam that is easy I made her that way so you’d love her… well Adam replied, it worked, I do, but God I have one more question and I don’t mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she is stupid, why did you make her stupid? God replied my son that is easy I made her that way so she would love you.

* You let one rip in your sleep and don’t care if he hears.

* Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.

* Chivalry’s as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

* PMS lasts all month.

* Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

* “Honey, what are you thinking?” is now, “Are you finished yet?!”

* He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.

* Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

* Two weeks no orgasm.

* Three weeks no orgasm … and you still don’t miss it.

* When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

* You’d rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

* The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.

* Spouse using your toothbrush to scrub tile grout.

* Candlelight dinners now illuminated by sticks of dynamite.

* Spouse has gone from moaning while making love to moaning ABOUT making love.

* Victoria’s Secret? More like K-Mart’s Special.

* The only thigh you see on your anniversary is at KFC.

* Morning breath no longer gives you that same thrill.

* Husband’s casual suggestions to “try swinging” are growing alarmingly frequent.

* Your husband wants to adopt a 17 year-old waitress from Hooters.

* A romantic Saturday night at home now includes Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman.

* Wife keeping list of things she’ll do after you’re finally dead.

* Request for sex now gets you $100 and a ticket to Vegas.

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