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Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?

A: They are both screwed when they’re on their back.

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this
sensitive and frank “question and answer” format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you’ve ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?

A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming
should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start – and that’s in a bar. That’s
right, go to a bar… preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting – it’s best to stay away from the shallow
“pretty boys” in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He’ll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right?

A: Unfortunately, there’s no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different
kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?

A: Definitely. Although they don’t admit it, men are often shy – so it’s
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don’t be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple “hello”, followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man’s married?

A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?

A: This is a tough one, especially if you’re a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn’t understand him and he’s thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he’ll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they’re not confused emotionally as virgins. It’s a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he’ll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left
out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

Q: What is “afterplay”?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm?

A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

Q: Are you sure?

A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

A man came home from work one day and found total mayhem. The three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes and wrappers were strewn across the yard.
When he went inside, the mess was even worse. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, cereal had been spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over more piles of clothes and toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at him and smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She smiled and answered, “You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the hell I do all day?”
“Yes,” he said, baffled.
“Well,” she said, “today I didn’t do any of it!”

* Learn to work the toilet seat. If you’ve managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.

* “I ate it, didn’t I?” is not considered praise.

* Get rid of your comb-over. It’s not different — it’s just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You’re losing your hair — face it.

* An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody’s idea of a good time.

* “Yeah yeah, you look fine” is not a compliment.

* Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.

* You have enough ballcaps.

* You have too many t-shirts.

*You’re too old to wear a goatee.

** Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one we’ve all heard it.

* When we ask “are you listening,” we already know you’re not.

*Your best friend is an idiot.

* Nothing says “I love you” like offering to go to the grocery store.

* If you can rebuild the carburetor on a ’66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.

* Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers — grunts and blank stares are not.

* A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.

* A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.

*The reason our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

* If we’re watching football with you, it’s not bonding. We’re watching because of the butts.

* If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

* Don’t fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.

* Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

* Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

* If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn’t ask in bed.

* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

* If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of “who’s easy?”

* Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON’T CARE!

* Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You’ll never see the island coming.

* Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

* Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.



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