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Drink
17 Wind Coolers
25 White Wine
35 Red Wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for Refusing Dates
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite Sport
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

Drug
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

Definition of a Successful Date
17 Burger King
25 Free Meal
35 A Diamond
48 A Bigger Diamond
66 Home Alone

Favorite Fantasy
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair (preferably not on back)
66 a man

House Pet
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

What’s the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

Ideal Date
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew

* Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

* I say zip it – zip it good!

* Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

* Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

* Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

* Just Say Whoa!

* The Pope does it – now *you* can, too!

* Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

* Leave It Near Beaver

* Don’t think of it as less sex – think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5″ reruns.

* You’ve come a long way, Baby – for nothing!

* Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

* Spend a little time away from the orifice.

* “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

1. Dogs don’t cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.
7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
11. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. Dogs love red meat.
14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
17. Dogs don’t shop.
18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
19. A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
21. A dog’s parents never visit.
22. Dogs love long car trips.
23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
24. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
25. Dogs like beer.
26. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
27. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
28. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
29. Dogs never criticize.
30. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
31. Dogs never expect gifts.
32. It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
33. Dogs don’t worry about germs.
34. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
35. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
36. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
37. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster.
38. You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
39. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
40. Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
41. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
42. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
43. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
44. Dogs can’t talk.
45. Dogs aren’t catty.
46. Dogs seldom outlive you.

(New words to an old Dylan song)

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take ’til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man’s body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder’s Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend, is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

No one fails a class anymore, he’s merely “passing impaired.”

You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the”exit delayed.”

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”

These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”

Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot.. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenging.”



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