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They’re the perfect match, she works in the chip shop and there is something fishy about him!

Q: What is the ugly blonde’s mating call?

A: “I said, ‘I’m so drunk!'”

* Girls you know you’re on a bad date when:

o You order a Double Whopper and he says, “Hey, my name ain’t Rockefeller, honey.”

o You’ve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.

o He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.

o Your dinner reservations are under “Loser, party of 2”

o He’s especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.

o He calls to tell you he’ll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.

o He’s been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

* Guys you know you’re on a bad date when:

o She whispers to the waiter, “Please kill me.”

o All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.

o You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.

o She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.

o She keeps calling you “Bachelor Number Two”.

o “Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?”

o She transitions the conversation by saying “I’ve said enough about me. What do you think about me?”

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband’s description. “Mother of six,” he would say, “Get me a beer!” “Hey mother of six, what’s for dinner tonight?” This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, “Hey mother of six, I think it’s time to go!”

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, “I’ll be right with you – father of four!”

© 2015