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Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

* ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.

* CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.

* DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.

* GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.

* INCEST: Relatively boring.

* INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.

* LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.

* MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.

* MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides.

* MASTURBATION: I-balling.

* MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.

* MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.

* NONDESCRIPT: A television play.

* ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.

* ORGY: Grope therapy.

* PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.

* PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.

* PIMP: Nookie Bookie.

* PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.

* PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.

* PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.

* RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.

* RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.

* REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.

* SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.

* SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.

* SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull’s gay brother.

* SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.

* SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.

* SONATA: A song sung by Frank.

* SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.

* STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.

* TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.

* TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection.

* VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.

* VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.

* VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

* VIRGIN: A girl who won’t take in what a guy takes out.

* VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.

* VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn’t Indian.

* WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.

* WET DREAM: A snorgasm.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

A: The blonde, she is 18.

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”



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