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Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: You pick them up, throw them in the gutter, and they come back for more

(and the translation of what they mean!)

* I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in “Deliverance.”)

* There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(I don’t want to do my DAD.)

* I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
(You ugly dork.)

* My life is too complicated right now.
(I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

* I’ve got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.)

* I don’t date men where I work.
(I wouldn’t date you if you’re in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)

* It’s not you, it’s me.
(It’s you.)

* I’m concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

* I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off the likes of you or I’d rather be gang raped by midgets or I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)

* Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

They’re the perfect match, she works in the chip shop and there is something fishy about him!

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn’t find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, traning and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and one woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get this extremely secretive job.

The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man was shocked and said, “You can’t be serious!” I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take the gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess that I’m not the right man for the job.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside this room you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opended slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

© 2015