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Q: Do you know why single women can’t fart?
A: Because, they don’t get assholes untill they get married.

Q: What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?

A: Brown-bagging it.

Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?

A: Invisible.

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”

“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”

Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride’s parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000″ will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you aint doing nothin’ on the 14th of March, why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and Jennifer’s having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin.’ ”

Proper Attire:
For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big “they” are. For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The Ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!



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