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A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, “Excuse me, did you want that cart?”

“No,” he answered. “I’m only after one thing.”

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, “Typical male.”

* “Haven’t I seen you before?”
o “Nice butt.”

* “I’m a Romantic.”
o “I’m poor.”

* “I need you.”
o “My hand is tired.”

* “I am different from all the other guys.”
o “I am not circumcised.”

* “I want a commitment.”
o “I’m sick of playing with myself.”

* “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
o “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

* “I really want to get to know you better.”
o “So I can tell my friends about it.”

* “It’s just orange juice, try it.”
o “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

* “She’s kinda cute.”
o “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

* “I don’t know if I like her.”
o “She won’t sleep with me.”

* “I miss you so much.”
o “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

* “Was it good for you?”
o “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

* “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
o “Is my love tool really that small?”

* “I had a wonderful time last night.”
o “Who the hell are you?”

* “Do you love me?”
o “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

* “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
o “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

* “How much do you love me?”
o “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

* “I have something to tell you.”
o “Get tested.”

* “I’ll give you a call.”
o “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

* “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
o “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

* “I think we should just be friends.”
o “You’re ugly.”

* “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
o “Next!!!!”

Former Playmate Anna Nicole Smith, a blonde, appeared recently on the Howard Stern show. Stern engaged her in world politics and tensions in the Mideast. Smith obviously didn’t know anything about it. Stern told her a few things about the region and then told her about the suicide bombers. Smith incredulously replied, “Doesn’t that hurt?”

Q: Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
A: She wanted to get a dark tan.

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. “I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”

© 2015