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Jim was crossing the street at lunchtime with a blonde co-worker of his when she asked if he knew what the buzzer on the walk lights was for.

Jim explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, the blonde responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: “The ultimate in feminine protection?”

1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days.”

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:

1. All you’ll ever need.
2. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open fire.

3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:

1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise” where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer?

1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche, I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:

1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:

1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?

1. Obscene! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What’s a bra?
3. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.

8. Define “male.”

1. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
2. An animal with a one-track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?

1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male-dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?

1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male-dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun, let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

* If 8 or more of your answers were “1″ – This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “2″ – Hey babe, you’re stuck in the 60′s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean, like, what more do you want outta us poor males?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “3″ – Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in “Bride of Rambo”.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’me…. could I see your drivers license…?”
“…What’s a license…?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet…” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration…” asked the cop.
“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment…” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute…” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
“Ummm…. is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes….” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher “Uh… yes” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do….” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants…”
“WHAT!!? I can’t do that. Its….. inappropriate…” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me….. just do it….” said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not ANOTHER breathalyzer……”

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said with trepidation,

“Well what did you name them?”

The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name!

What did you come up with for my son?”

The brother replied, “Denephew.”

* Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

* Martha’s Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
* Real Woman’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

* Martha’s Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

* Martha’s Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”
* The Real Woman’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad; I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

* Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

* Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
* The Real Woman’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie box does not say anything about brushing egg whites over the crust.

* Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

* Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip…

* Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Leftover wine???

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