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- “Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on ‘stunning.’”

- “I can’t help it — my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!”

- “Nice Asimov.”

- “Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody.”

- “Earth woman, prepare to be probed!”

- “I’m the droid you’re looking for.”

- “Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or… well, I’m just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears.”

- “Hey, baby. I own Microsoft.”

- “Your mouth says, ‘Shields up!’, but your eyes say, ‘A hull breach is imminent.’”

- “If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?”

The husband says to his wife, “We really got to get rid of it. It’s old and smelly.”

She replies “Yeah I know, it takes up a lot of room in the house and it’s scaring the kids.”

“So its settled we’re getting rid of it.” the husband asks.

The wife nods her agreement, “I think so.”

“O.K. I’ll go get the car ready, you go get it.”

With this the wife goes to the foot of the stairs and yells, “Grandpa get ready were going for a ride!”

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Yesterday scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn’t drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. And refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing was considered necessary.

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says “yes, no, yes, no…..”

© 2015