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A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way.

* Avoid seating guests next to fellow family members who may have molested them in early childhood.

* If possible, hold your wedding in a beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds may also attend.

* It is customary for the bride to wear a special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.

* Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve Martin. He’s got the wedding jitters!

* Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress color that does not occur in nature.

* Consider hiring a professional DJ for your reception. Professional DJs are the only people specially licensed to play “The Chicken Dance.”

* Be sure all the Hooters girls fit comfortably inside the cake.

* When looking at churches, give extra points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.

* It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting it on the registry.

* Choose a reception hall that is large enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashions.

* When considering seating arrangements, it is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.

* If you’re thinking about hiring a band, The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children’s birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.

* Instead of spending thousands on floral arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.

* When choosing a caterer, take care to select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to guarantee comical hijinks for all.

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks “What for?”
She says “I want to kill my husband”.
He says “Sorry, I can’t do that.”
She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription… “

Q: What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?

A: No one else wants it.

Q: What do you call three blondes on Santa’s Lap?

A: Ho Ho Ho

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about
to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him
you have a headache.”

© 2015