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There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

* He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.

* He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.

* She leads a double life – hers and his.

* He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

* She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

* He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize.”

* He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

* The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

* He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.

* He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.

* He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s getting now.

* She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.

* She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.

* He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

* Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bent knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for
50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,
but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling me all this?

Man: I am telling everybody…

Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
A: nobody knows, since it has never happened

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