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To My Darling Husband,

I’m sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you’ll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what’s been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 6 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent!
The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.
The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn’t be disturbed.
Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I’ve hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won’t do.

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”
“I am,” was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.
“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.
“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”
She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be a cop, eh?”

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. “Now, he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He only has one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It’s a PROFILE of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

The blonde immediately shot back, “Yep! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man’s face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You’re excused, too! You’d never make a good detective!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he CERTAINLY CAN’T WEAR GLASSES!”

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!”

To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”



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