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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the 6 o’clock news on TV. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50.

The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No, a bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

“Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Q: Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?

A: She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.

Q: Why can`t blondes water-ski?

A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

* Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

* We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY.

* I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

* I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

* My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

* My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off…

* She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I’ll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

© 2015