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The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn’t get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. “Now look,” the doctor said, “the
only way you’re going to get it up is to say “beep,” and then to
get it soft again, you say, “beep, beep.”

“How marvelous,” the old man said.

“Yes, but I must warn you,” the doctor said,” it’s only going to
work three times before you die.”

On his way home, the man decided he wasn’t going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. “Beep!” he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, “beep, beep,” and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went “beep,” and the
car in the opposite lane responded with “beep beep.”

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
“speed it up.” He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. “Honey,” he shouted at her, “don’t ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed.” Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
“beep,” and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
“What’s all this “beep beep” shit?”

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driver’s license exam?
A: She wasn’t used to the front seat!

Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
A: She took the examiner with her.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly
drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was
followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man
following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My
wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.” Dave then asked who was in the second
hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well.” “Can I borrow your dog?” “Get in line.” replied the man.

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high New Orleans prices.

“I’ll just catch my own alligator,” she told one shopkeeper, “so I can get a pair of shoes for free.” She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in the bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay. “This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

At the pre-birth class for couples who’d already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. “Some parents tell the older child, ‘We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'”

The instructor continued, “But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’?”

One of the women spoke up right away, “Does she know to cook?”



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