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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________

SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________

If NO, please explain ____________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________

____________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed? _______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________

A tattoo? _______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often you attend __________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

priest? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

_________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

“You know why I drink so much?” asks John. “Because my wife is so ugly.”

“Oh, yeah?” counters Richard. “You think your wife’s ugly? You should see my wife. She’s a pig.”

They continue to drink and argue about whose wife is uglier. They soon realize that the only way they’re going to settle the debate is to meet the other’s wife. And so, the two men start off for John’s house. When they arrive, John knocks on the door and his wife answers. Richard whispers, “Sheesh, John, you got a point there. She’s a show stopper. That face could send a freight train down a dirt road. But, listen, you still gotta see my wife.”

When they arrive at Richard’s house, they walk into the living room. Richard pushes the couch, chairs and table aside and then rolls up the rug. In the middle of the floor, there is a large trap door. He lifts open the trap door and yells down, “Hey, Bertha, come on up here!”

“Okay, honey. But, should I put the bag over my head?”

“No, I don’t want to screw you dear. I just want to show you off.”

1) You’re a bitch.

2) When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed.

3) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5) Whine.

6) If you are trying to sleep, it’s because you’re exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it’s because he is lazy.

7) If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8) If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.

10) Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you’re irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11) Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12) Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two Mother-in-laws.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: She drops her nail-file



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